He didn't, uh. Sleep last night. At all. He's at school anyway. It's better than not going, he's trying not to fall down that slope.
He's not as good as he usually is at weaving in and out of the foot traffic in the cafeteria. He half-stumbles and brushes hard against a girl he doesn't recognize, his arm pressing against hers for a long moment as he scrambles away.
He turns to her, an apology on his lips-
This black-haired girl's a bit distracted and preoccupied too, today. Normally she'd be on her guard against accidental contact, carefully dodging anyone who gets close. Important life skill for her.
But she didn't sleep last night either. Something unarguably supernatural happened to her last night, and it's turning over in her head. She's definitely got shit to talk about with Sable and Maya when they can get a quiet moment.
She's not paying nearly enough attention to notice and get out of the way in time.
She lurches backward reflexively, eyes wide, a sharp breath hissing in through her teeth. Her other hand whips up to clutch her arm protectively, and she just barely manages to hold onto her lunch bag.
An instant later her guard is up and a scowl is on her lips. Can't show vulnerability, that's a good way to get beat (or worse).
"Fuck. Watch where you're fucking going, dude," she bites out.
She's trying not to show it, but she's not doing so hot. Her face pales, her breath turns shallow and shaky, and she swallows hard. An image of her uncle's snarling face as he grabs her by the shoulder flits through her mind, but she pushes it out angrily.
What the hell is her problem? He was going to apologize but now he's having to fight off an urge to tell her to fuck off.
"I bumped into you, I didn't stab you-"
He grabs hold of his temper. He doesn't want to be that kind of person. It's honestly a little disconcerting, his face just goes blank, his expression smoothing out suddenly.
"No, never mind, you're right, sorry. I shouldn't get pissed at you just because you're pissed I fucked up."
It's not that big a deal but you shouldn't pick fights when you can instead not do that, he knows this-
He spots the look on her face, half hidden behind anger. Oh, this- it really mattered, didn't it? She's not doing so good. She looks- afraid. Because he didn't look where he was going.
"I- I'll pay better attention. I'm sorry."
No, nope, control your emotions man, don't make this about how you feel guilty, that's literally the exact opposite of the point.
He looks a tiny bit like he just got punched in the solar plexus. Not letting the fact that he feels bad get to him would be easier if he'd, uh. Slept.
Across the room, a violet-haired girl is watching closely, on the edge of hopping out of her seat to help, when she sees events suddenly turn back around as the blond boy forcibly controls his temper even before seeing the impact on Hailey. She's even more surprised to see the impact Hailey's trauma reaction has on him.
Huh.
Hailey blows a slow breath out, getting herself under control, her expression flattening a bit as she forces herself away from her fear.
"I—"
Another breath. This dude actually seems affected by what happened. ...He better not be guilt-tripping himself or something.
"Thanks. You... didn't know." She takes her time speaking, a bit, as she finishes steadying herself. Her voice is still a bit sharp, but it's clearly not directed at him now. "Don't beat yourself up about it, s'not like adding more pain fixes anything."
Her hand is still over the contact point on her arm.
"That obvious? I will, ah. Try."
Is that the right response? He doesn't know what the right response is.
"Yeah. Ain't easy."
And she heads back to Sable's table with a parting nod in his direction.
She's concerned about blond boy. She also thinks blond boy seems neat. Sparkly somehow, despite also being concerning.
Ah, he's probably got people to go eat lunch with, she doesn't wanna get in the way of that or create pressure that conflicts with whatever else he's doing.
Blond boy heads off to an empty table by a window, actually. He sits down and pulls a drink out of his backpack. It's in a thermos, nice and cold. He can drink his ridiculously calorically dense technically-a-protein-shake without anyone being any the wiser that he's consuming Basically Just Melted Ice Cream.
From this he will grow strong. Well, from this and lifting heavy objects. He doesn't actually own weights but he does own soda bottles full of water and reusable grocery bags in which to place them and that's good enough.
He is, actually, weirdly embarrassed about having a very sugary protein shake in a thermos. He's pretty sure nobody would judge him for that but he's shy about it anyway.
Thaaaaat does not look like he has people. It's possible he prefers not having people to eat with, and if he expresses such she'll cheerfully fuck off, but...
First she'll take a moment and give Hailey a gentle hand-squeeze, after making sure she's ready for one. Then she'll quietly explain what she's doing.
And then she'll get up and walk over to blond boy with a warm smile.
He's looking out the window for most of her trip over to him, but when she's most of the way there he turns to look back around the cafeteria and spots her, very clearly walking towards him.
"Hello?"
"Hey," she replies, still smiling. She stops when she's close enough to talk at a casually-low volume but not close enough to sit down at his table without another couple steps. Her voice is warm, a little hesitant, and curious. "I... thought you put a put a lot more into handling that better than most people would've, no matter how much I wanna see better in them." The last bit is more of a mumble, though not much of one; old training to enunciate clearly still holds on despite her instincts.
Wow she phrased that kind of awkwardly and then overshared at the end can she please do better at this? No, anxiety does not get to be the focus right now. Can her brain please stop that? Blond boy is the focus, and she's curious-impressed-interested.
He's suddenly not shy, once it's clear she really is. He's pretty sure she means the way he bumped into that girl. She seems actually worse at this than him. He is- not really sure what she might be going for or why she showed up to talk to him but she obviously fumbled her attempt to initiate conversation which means she needs help.
So- yeah, just act like he didn't notice her awkward halfmumble, that's the right call. And act like the compliment didn't feel kind of deeply weird to receive, somehow. He doesn't really think snapping and then managing to pull out of it halfway through counts for all that much- he should just not be snapping at all, most people seem to manage that just fine.
"Thanks. I do try, even if it's a bit hard not to be snippy sometimes."
There is a topic, and she has a next topic, all is well now.
"Yeah," she agrees with a nod and a grin. "Difference is I never see people try to do something about it when they are."
Mostly people either blithely accept that they're "good enough," or fail to acknowledge they've made a mistake. Doing a scriptless thing like apologizing unprompted for snapping at someone and wanting to be better? That's rare and interesting.
She chuckles a bit and shakes her head. "Hey, that aside, and totally valid if not, you wanna come sit with us?" She tilts her head in the direction of her table—
Who seems to be recovering, and even managing to chat back with a little bit of amiable snark.
Oh he gets it now. The girl he bumped into is probably used to people being jerks when they bump into her and he wasn't so he stood out, or something. And so her friend came over to say hello. It's not really the kind of thing that happens to him but it all makes perfect sense if he imagines it happening to someone else. And then she invites him to sit with them. Well, he knows how to respond to that just fine and even if he doesn't end up actually liking them conversation is probably less boring than staring out a window.
Also, he's- he's supposed to be trying. Saying yes is what you do if you're trying.
"Sure."
He grabs his backpack in hand and his thermos in the other and stands from the bench.
"Staring out a window really doesn't compare favourably to the chance to meet some new people, you know? Even if the wind through the trees is rather pretty today."
Oh huh. She looks out the window for a moment.
"Oh. You have a point there."
The wind isn't strong, but the leaves mean it doesn't need to be. The trees sway, leaves fluttering. The grass hasn't been cut in a bit too long, or perhaps in just long enough. It's barely tall enough to for little patterns to be seen in it, driven by the wind like waves.
"Well, probably we can persuade the girls that scenery and conversation beats scenery or conversation, I bet."
And she starts toward her table with a smile. "I'm Sable, by the way."
She has forgotten to exchange names too many times. She's not going to do that again.
"Joshua. It's nice to meet you, Sable." He means it. It's weirdly easy to talk to her.
"Likewise!" She certainly tries to be. Figuring out the right way to start conversations is hard and she's not very good at it, but keeping them going is something she knows how to practice. Of course, she has no idea he's thinking that, but she'd be quite pleased if she knew.
She hadn't planned a next topic after that, but there are a few basics that can be checked off while she watches for interests to ask after. She gives him a quick look up and down as she walks, grinning curiously. "Hmm. Obviously not a freshman. Probably not a sophomore? Junior or senior?"
"Junior. And I'm glad to have finally graduated to obviously not a freshman, I was half expecting that possibility to haunt me until I was thirty."
She laughs and nods. "I'd make you guess mine, but," they're already at the table.
"Hailey, Maya," she greets, turning to each briefly, "meet Joshua, fellow junior. His table's better and the weather's pretty, wanna switch?"
She waves minutely with her left hand, right still on her arm, cautious smile on her face. "Yo."
"Good to meet you, Joshua." Maya's voice is calm, careful, patient, and utterly free of contractions. "That sounds lovely."
She stands, gathering her lunch — a sandwich and something else in a brown paper bag — and her backpack.
He notices the lack of contractions primarily because he used to do that and had to train himself out of it.
"Hi Hailey, hi Maya."
Oh, okay. Uh- back they go apparently? His table is in fact the one with the better view but he hadn't quite realized what Sable meant when she said conversation and a view was best.
"Ah, I see, this is all a dastardly excuse to commit table theft, isn't it? How nefarious."
That gets a snicker out of Hailey. "Exactly. Evilest girls, here," she snarks.
"My scoundrels," Maya replies with a fond headshake and a chuckle.
And everyone starts back toward the window table.
He is now noticing the thing where these are all pretty girls. He's not actually particularly put off balance by that, he got lucky and his flavour of awkward teenagerhood isn't that flavour of awkward teenagerhood. But he sure is now noticing it and he sure was not noticing it before now.
Also, he thinks he recognizes Sable, actually? He's seen her walking down the halls a few times, that purple hair really is memorable. And Maya was probably the girl whose hand she was holding. Huh.
He doesn't say anything on the rest of the way back to his table because he suddenly finds himself valiantly fighting off a yawn. He defeats this new enemy but it's hard-fought.
She was in fact who Joshua saw holding Sable's hand, yes. At the moment, however, she is walking protectively on Hailey's left.
While Sable's on Hailey's right, holding her hand. There was a brief exchange as they started back across the cafeteria first, and now Sable is helping Hailey keep grounded through the walk.
Judging by the girls' positioning, they seem to be protecting against sudden bumps from other students — somewhat less arranged to block Joshua, interestingly enough.
Also, that's definitely some handholding. Sable would normally be subtler about this for the sake of Hailey's reflex to hide vulnerability, but right now the grounding and reminder of safety matters more.
Joshua is very careful not to bump into Hailey. He's actually far enough away from the three of them that it would be a bit odd if not for the obvious reason for him to be doing that.
He takes the seat closest to the window. Hailey should be able to seat herself kitty-corner from him, leaving her a bit farther away than if she was across from him. He hopes it will make her feel a bit safer.
He wonders what happened to make her react to touch like that. Not his business.
Hailey chooses to sit across from him, surprisingly enough, though she does tuck her knees up under her to reduce the risk of accidentally bumping legs.
Maya sits across from Sable and takes her hand, giving her and Hailey each a gentle smile, and watching Hailey's back carefully.
And then Hailey leans softly to the side, shoulder resting against Sable. She takes a slow breath and smiles slightly, trusting her girlfriends and the solid wall to keep the rest of the cafeteria off her while she's fragile.
Even if she viciously hates admitting she's ever fragile.
Okay sure she had a good feeling about this dude but she didn't expect that.
"I...", she starts. "Thanks, but I'm short enough that you're not gonna bump me with my legs tucked, and I don't wanna keep those two from holding hands."
"They pine," she finishes with a brief, wry grin at Joshua, before turning and sticking her tongue out at Sable and Maya for a moment.
Sable, meanwhile, lets out a brief startled giggle, before firing back, "As if you don't!"
Hailey just snickers and teases Sable more. "Not like you two. Half hour, give or take ten, and y'all start gazing needily, without fail."
"Well, I'm certainly not going to push."
They're all very sweet together. It's nice just to be near them. He feels a bit like a cat basking in the sun.
He tries in a way they're really not used to seeing so clearly, so she's contemplating keeping him around.
"Stupid obvious introductory question is obvious: got a favorite class?"
"My favorite this year is ancient history, I think. We're learning about the Pelopennesian War right now and it's really interesting."
He resists the urge to infodump. He could dump so much info, though. He's skipped school during the unit and ended up marathoning Yale's course on greek history on three separate occasions. They just upload recordings of their first year lectures onto YouTube, its great! He's most of the way through it now.
Okay he can absolutely infodump to them about the Pelopennesian War. So! A lot of the interesting bits are actually in the lead up, you need to know a bit about how ancient Greek city states worked. And specifically a bit about Athens. It's really important to understanding the Pelopennesian War that Athens was kind of all-in on their navy and Sparta was much more effective on land. Also here, have some information about how Greek Hoplites fought and the tradeoffs between depth and breadth. Okay he's being sidetracked he'll get back to the actual war things.
The entire time he's explaining things he's animated. He's careful not to brush against Hailey or get anywhere close, though. His face comes alive, he gestures expansively with his hands, at one point he grabs a bit of paper to draw the shape of the Long Walls of Athens. Athens wasn't directly on the coast because you didn't want your city to be easy to raid by sea, usually Greek cities were founded on hills near but not directly on the ocean. They couldn't win on land so they just made a set of absurdly long walls to connect their city to the harbour. Behold the longness of the walls!
He can give them a narrative of the war! It's not a polished one since he hasn't practiced explaining the Pelopennesian War to people but he can do a pretty okay job!
Maya nods along, paying particular attention to the structural decisions of the fortifications.
While Hailey gets swept up in the strategic tradeoffs, and asks him to explain a few of the decisions more if he can.
Sable, meanwhile, is just delightedly soaking all of this up, enjoying how animated Joshua and Hailey are. Anytime the discussion seems to stall or slow down, she asks a question about something related to kick off more infodumping and engaging.
Hailey manages to eat her lunch while all this goes on: a pair of delicious-smelling roast chicken sandwiches. The other girls' lunches are not quite as good, but still tasty too.
Joshua does not visibly eat anything but he sure does slowly drain that thermos.
He can expand on things some! It's nice to have people interested in his infodumps. This is not very common and he's happy about the change of pace.
Well, see, he wanted to infodump about something in the vague neighborhood of her special interest. Also Sable's a very sweet dork who just likes seeing people excited about things.
They can pass an enjoyable lunch period this way.
It's nice. He likes the three of them and is really enjoying getting to infodump and also get to know them some. Spending more lunches like this would be really nice.
He doesn't himself make even one single overture in the direction of doing this again or in any way indicate interest in doing so. That would open the possibility of rejection and he avoids doing things like that usually without even realizing he's doing so in the moment.
Joshua might not bring it up, but as lunch comes to an end, the girls exchange some looks.
Maya's there at the window table, waving him over as he arrives. "Hello, Joshua. Good to see you today."
She's claimed one of the aisle seats of the table.
"Hello, Maya. Nice to see you too."
He sits- he's not completely sure where to sit.
"Do you and Sable and Hailey have a preferred seating arrangement? I'm not sure whether I should be trying to replicate yesterday's arrangement or not."
He's kind of incredibly anxious about asking that question, what if he's supposed to somehow know? What if asking reveals he's hoping this goes on for more than two days? What if, what if, what if-
His anxiety doesn't show on his face at all, though. If you're deeply anxious in a world that views being anxious as a contemptible weakness it will often be the case that the first thing your anxiety tells you to do is get very good at concealing that you have it.
"Generally we leave Hailey a wall seat next to one of us. Although she'll occasionally take an aisle if she's having a better day, she never minds having a wall, so we try to reserve one where possible. Beyond that, we simply aim for triangles," she explains with a soft nod. "Thank you for asking."
"You're welcome."
This does not give him an exact Correct place to sit but he will cope with this and simply sit across from Maya, shifted a bit farther away from the wall than he usually would be. That lets Hailey sit next to Maya if she wants to and lets Sable do that also if Hailey ends up sitting next to him there's enough space she can be quite sure he won't bump against her. He has Solved The Problem. Probably.
Hopefully.
This should not be this nerve-wracking.
Well, if Maya's warm smile at him is any indication, she doesn't seem to have any objection to his choice of seat.
Just then, Sable and Hailey tromp in from the hall. "Heya, Joshua!", Sable exclaims with a cheery smile.
"Easy for you to say. You like math, especially when it's weird math."
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, then leans against Maya's shoulder and starts getting out a sandwich. "Hey Joshua," she says by way of greeting, "math is terrible, right?"
Then, to Hailey-
"Math is the worst. You show up a few days and you're getting it all and then you miss, like two classes and suddenly nothing is making any sense. Give me history instead, please. I can miss a week of that and come back and have a map with a hole in it instead of a ladder missing a bunch of the middle rungs."
She nods and scowls. "Yeah. And even if you make it to all the classes, sometimes your brain just ain't shaped right for the math. Just not how my intuitions work. S'lucky Sable likes the shit, she can explain it in a way that works for me."
"Yeah, trying to invent the right math you're supposed to be using from scratch come exam time is not fun. Like, I can manage it sometimes, but just barely enough to pass and getting a sixty on an exam is never fun."
"Fuck. Yeah, Sable is personally responsible for my having an eighty, otherwise I'd be down in the fifties and sixties with you. Maybe you should come to our tutoring sessions."
Sable laughs and grins. "Oh, go on and volunteer me why don't you." She shakes her head.
"Not like I was going to say no, mind, but it's cute how free you are with my time, sweetheart."
Hailey flushes and looks out the window, muttering under her breath. "Romantic dork."
Okay, that is cute. And it might be fun?
He puts aside his confusion about who exactly is dating who here for the moment, he has a response to make, he can think later.
"I mean, I'd be up for it if you are, Sable."
Oh no, does that look too eager? Is he doing something wrong? Wait, no, she said she wasn't going to say no. False alarm, everything's fine.
"You just missed this week's. Tutoring is normally at my place, right after school."
"Although we often have a little bit of a break and a snack first, especially if our little tsundere is in the mood to make something."
"Oh I see how it is," Hailey snarks back, blushing. "Y'all just love me for my cooking."
That's very gushy and incredibly cute but it doesn't actually help him on the figuring out who is dating who front. Unless this is a Wheel of Time situation? It is probably not a Wheel of Time situation.
He doesn't recognize the term "tsundere" originally until he realizes that actually he's just been mispronouncing that word this entire time. Okay, apparently they like anime? Or internet memes? One of the two, or both. He's tempted a bit to try to lightly jump in with the teasing, but that would be hard to get right, he doesn't want to risk saying something wrong and making someone sad or angry. Instead he just basks in the reflected warmth.
"So we should probably exchange numbers to coordinate, in case you want to go home first or something next Tuesday."
He can give her his number, then.
He'll remember to consider what giving a girl your number tends to mean late that night while he's in bed, and it will take him half an hour to reassure himself he didn't somehow miss something important. For now, though, he simply continues to puzzle through their relationship graph. Who is dating who?
If he wants an actual answer to that question, the girls will have to know about his confusion. This Sable is unfortunately not psychic.
"How was class today?"
"Pretty solid, so far! History is always nice, and we're reading Hamlet in English. Morning has been nice so far. Well, besides World Politics, I've got Willards. He's funny sometimes but kind of a dick. Dude mocked me in front of the class for saying North Korea was supported by China as a buffer state during the Cold War."
He's fully aware he's right about that. He's, uh. Not actually sure how Mr. Willards doesn't know that. He seems pretty smart, most of the time.
(It has not occurred to Joshua that he seems that way because he gets to read ahead in the textbook.)
"Ugh, mocking students is just mean and counter-productive." Sable shakes her head and scowls. "What an asshole."
Hailey tilts her head, puzzled. "I mean, isn't that the obvious reason for China to support North Korea?"
"I mean, I do think there was actually a lot of ideology behind it, probably? Or at least I don't know. Just- he found the idea itself absurd, I think? He seemed to think that the question of why China did that was just sort of innately a mystery, completely beyond explanation. China was just doing things for no reason."
It's nice to see them displeased on his behalf.
"He thought it was a mystery!?" Hailey furrows her brow and shakes her head. "Mysteries aren't fucking real."
"Yes yes you know what I mean," Hailey scoffs. "They're real in a way but only in people's heads. Not as an answer. Like you don't stop there."
Maya laughs and shakes her head. "You hardly respect anyone unless they earn it, darling. I doubt Willards being a teacher has much to do with it."
Oh.
Yes, yes, that's exactly the things, mysteries are only in your head. That's such a good way to put that. He can feel half-formed thoughts go click, the structure suddenly on slightly firmer ground. He's felt that, had it as a stepping stone in his thoughts. A place he goes back to, a half-formed talisman he touches when his thoughts don't feel quite correctly shaped, but now he can see exactly the right firm way to have it shaped, the right way to nail it down. The structure of mystery is as a fundamentally internal, subjective thing. It's like- well, all of the hundreds of other subjective things.
One step taller, one step forward.
"Oh, that's such a good way to put it. Mysteries are real but in people's heads. They're internal! Subjective! In the perspective looking out at the world, not in the world itself."
He's looking at Hailey a bit like she just threw him a water bottle after he spent a day in the desert. And like she's cool.
Bwuh??? People don't look at her that way??? Well Sable does but that's Sable she only just met this boy what the fuck!?!?
"Thanks! Kinda stumbled the fuck into it, honestly. Pretty words are normally her job," she points at Sable. "But fuckin'... yeah. All sortsa high an' mighty adults want me to believe shit and most of the time it's dumb? Willards sounds like just another one of those assholes."
He has noticed the flusterblush and decided Hailey is cute. And she's smart too!
His realization can only be seen in a very faint blush on his cheeks, his reaction is otherwise very hidden. Perhaps he suddenly became slightly warmer. Who could say?
He had honestly forgotten about the Willards thing in the euphoria of Cool Realization.
"It is so often dumb."
There we go, he can get a good grade in saying words after noticing a girl is cute, a thing both reasonable to want and possible to achieve.
"At least with math I know the problem isn't a teacher who insists on being fucking wrong. It's just that I'm a dumbass."
Sable gives Hailey a flat look.
"No. You're not dumb. You've got a different learning style than Ms. Lin is used to, but you learn it just fine with more-personalized instruction."
"Besides, you just have different specialties."
She reaches out and squeezes Hailey's hand gently. "Don't be mean to our girlfriend."
She blushes closes her eyes for a moment, takes a breath, and squeezes Sable's hand back.
"Right. No point in retelling myself the same stupid crap they did."
"But yeah. Math was frustrating, and Gatsby just does not grab me. So kind of a meh day."
Our girlfriend? Wheel of Time situation confirmed? Or is it just the thing where women call their friends girlfriends out of what must be a deep seated desire for linguistic ambiguity? Probably they are all just dating each other, actually? But if he guesses that and acts accordingly but he's wrong it will be so embarrassing.
Oh no, what if they can secretly read minds and they know he's wrong? What if someone else can secretly read minds and is laughing at him for finding this hard? What if everyone in the world but him can read minds and they're all just being nice about his disability and they all know. Okay probably not that one. Someone would have slipped up.
Oh god the supernatural is real someone actually could be reading his mind. Fuck.
Away from that thought! Socialization needs doing.
"I didn't like the Great Gatsby much myself, it was- yeah, not my thing. Shakespeare's actually really good, though. Or, well, I like him, taste isn't objective. Math for me- it really depends on if I missed anything. If I did I just can't follow the rest of it, or it's boring to try, so I just stare out the window. If I've been there the whole way through it can be fun, though."
Joshua's comment about math jogs a memory for Sable, though. She tilts her head in confusion at him for a moment.
Fifth grade, they had a sub for math that day, they were assigned a worksheet to fill the period. She was staring out the window (and didn't know she was a she yet). Midway through the period, the sub came up and asked if she was going to do her worksheet. She looked up, puzzled, then down at the worksheet. She did the whole thing, correctly, then went back to looking out the window.
She'd forgotten about that until now.
"I don't think you're bad at math at all," she murmurs softly, voice still hazy from recollection.
"Yeah, it's- not quite being bad at it. Just not, you know, good." In all of his other courses he can just skip three days and show back up like nothing happened, when he does that in math he has trouble.
It is very obvious from his face that he considers the bare fact of not being good at something terribly embarrassing.
"Well, it'll probably be easier to pay attention when it's explained by a friend who can focus on you than a teacher who doesn't know you at all, so hopefully Tuesday helps."
If she could read his mind, she'd be calling him brilliant, but she can't. She'll have to find this out another way, later.
"Oh ye of little faith," she teases with a grin. "You'll be fine. Bet you a cocoa you're better at this than you think, just need the right style and pacing at most."
She's sweet.
"I'll do my best, certainly. But I won't take that bet lest I be incentivized to do worse so I can prove myself right." It will be incredibly embarrassing when he doesn't learn as fast as she expects out of him, but he can brace for that in advance and it won't be her fault.
Little does he know she'll be thrilled just to help him manage as much as he does while paying attention, even when he can't focus in class.
Of course she doesn't know how much that will or won't turn out to be, but she's hard to disappoint.
"Then how about a reverse bet. A contest. If you do well, I owe you a cocoa, otherwise you owe me one."
"Iiiiiiii- ah. Would really rather not have the possible result of being embarrassingly bad at something and having to, uh. Pay up about it also. How about we just- not do anything in that whole area?"
He does not want anything even vaguely shaped like a bet going on here, to be honest. He's already stretching his anxiety near to his breaking point by explicitly scheduling having something explained by him who can see him stumble and fail. Why is he stretching again? This is going to be Terrible.
Oh, right, friendship. Socialization. That, yeah.
Hailey cackles and throws a balled up napkin at Sable. "Bet-brained dork. Yes yes, we know you like risks," she teases fondly.
Maya chuckles and reaches across to squeeze Sable's hand. "Not everyone likes them as much as you do, darling."
Sable flushes, smiles, and shakes her head. "Oh fine, you're right, good point. No bets required."
Okay, that little handsqueeze is sweet. And also Hailey's cackle means he isn't worried he's made some sort of social misstep. It's okay. It's fine.
He really wishes he swung in and out of strong emotions like that a little less. He can just sort of compress it all down into not much at all but that's work and he needs to be- braced for the need to do so. It's easier if he stops the emotions from growing rather than trying to tamp them down once they're established.
The blush is also cute. These are a very cute set of probably-girlfriends.
"Thank you."
"Gladly. Oh, I'll probably make cocoa regardless, though. Call it encouragement."
"Definitely accept the cocoa," Hailey adds off-handedly. "There are a few things in the kitchen where Sable's just as good as I am. Cocoa's one."
"Well, gift cocoa I will not turn down. Especially the vaunted gift cocoa of tremendous goodness."
Oh god why did he say it like that why is he so bad at talking like a normal person.
Sable just giggles and grins and bumps her shoulder against his for a moment. "Then you shall have cocoa!"
Why would he want to talk like a normal person? Normal people miss out on so much fun!
It's so nice when things go well. When he makes people laugh, when people think he's clever, when he's doing socialization right.
"Well, I had a rather calm and peaceful day," Maya comments serenely. "I did, however, get inspired to research one of my favorite naval battles in more detail."
"This is, of course, your fault," she adds, nodding at Joshua with a warm smile. "The discussion of the precautions Greek city-states took to prevent sea-raids put me back in the mood to enjoy some naval history."
One of her favourite naval battles? That's a thing she has? That's cool. He'd absolutely love to hear more about that. What makes it her favourite? What makes it cooler than all the other battles?
The Battle of Leyte Gulf was the single largest naval battle of World War II, and arguably the largest in history. It featured six battleships, including three of her favorites: New Jersey, Iowa, and Washington. It also featured the three fiercest Fletcher-class destroyers and their destroyer-escort, Johnston, Hoel, Heermann, and Samuel B. Roberts, the four of whom engaged in a suicidally-brave counterattack against Japanese cruisers and battleships in defense of the escort carriers under their protection. In the process, these four ships sank, damaged, and drove off several ships orders of magnitude larger, including driving off the battleship Yamato, which had something in the neighborhood of thirty times the displacement of a Fletcher.
Those ships kept their carriers safe, terrified the IJN, and made them pay dearly for the privilege of even threatening the ships in their care.
Maya can — and will, if allowed — go on about Leyte for most of the remainder of the lunch period.
Modern history tends to be a lot less interesting to him but Maya's passion about it is helping bridge that gap. And everyone loves an underdog story. He has to ask a few clarifying questions about the various ship types and what they mean, what their roles are on the battlefield. But once Maya gets going he can mostly hold a picture of the battle in his head and excitedly ooh and aah at all the right moments. Wait, actually he has a pencil case, she can show the positions of all the ships using pencils!
He's absolutely willing to listen to her talk. It's fun. He's learning about history! He looks around occasionally to make sure that Sable and Hailey are having a good time too, mostly out of a deep seated sense that if you infodump everyone around you will find you boring and so he needs to be on the lookout for that happening to Maya and stop it happening somehow so she doesn't have to feel bad about it.
Hailey's absolutely digging into the strategic perspectives with sharp questions as Maya goes on.
And Sable is delightedly engaging as well, though she has a little bit of a sappy look on her face at times.
Okay, then he doesn't need to worry. He can just enjoy the information and the fact that he has new friends (friends!!!) who share some of his interests.
He's going to go home and read up on Hannibal and the Fabian strategy and the whole Second Punic War plus some surrounding context and he's going to practice a lecture on it and then tomorrow he's going to get to share that with them. He's looking forward to it. But not so much he forgets to pay attention to Maya! He is going to commit as much of this battle information to memory as possible.
And thus ends another cheerful lunch period spent with their new friend. "See you tomorrow, Joshua!"
Hailey and Maya both wave as well.
He waves and heads off.
He realizes halfway through his next class he has no easy way of causing the conversation to be about the Second Punic War without just saying, "Hey, do you want to hear about some really cool military history?" This is a problem, since saying that is Terrifying. Well, he can just read up on things anyway and practice and see if there's some way to bring it up. And maybe just do the terrifying thing. Maybe it would go fine? Probably it would go fine Maya did basically that today. And he can just have the practice and reading up he did be secret so it isn't obvious how much it means to him and they won't judge him.
It's only been a month since he listened to favorite history podcast covering the Second Punic War, it's easy to catch himself back up to speed. So, what things should he include in the background? Obviously they should know the rough extent of Rome and Carthage. A tiny bit of the First Punic War. It's important that Rome won that one. And of course some of Hannibal's background, it really does add to the drama of the whole situation. And then the whole arc of Hannibal's campaign in Italy, the general shape, his absurd invincibility on the battlefield, Rome's refusal to stop feeding him armies. The whole thing with Fabius. And maybe ending on Hannibal losing to Scipio in Africa? He's not quite sure. He practices saying certain things in his head, works out a structure of it all, and hops back and forth between doing that and browsing the internet vaguely for the rest of his night.
The next morning he feels kind of terrible for no actual reason. It's not, actually, easy to push through it. It helps to remind himself he has a Project, though. Well, it does the opposite of help when it comes to his anxiety levels, but he just rehearses his planned story a bit in his head and that helps with that. Tugs him out of the bad state he started in, even if he keeps finding himself pulled back in that direction.
He feels better over time, though. Being out of the apartment, having made it to classes today, having friends he's meeting up with at lunch. All of it helps. He kind of figures he won't actually end up delivering the whole speech about the Second Punic War but if he does he is prepared.
When Joshua reaches the cafeteria, Hailey's beaten him to the lunch table. She's claimed the back corner seat, leaning against the window, and is looking around cautiously.
She looks up with a small smile when she notices him, though, and waves him over.
Yay, his new probably-friend! Okay, he can go to the same spot relative to her he nabbed last time. Having a thing he did last time is very nice. Makes it nice and simple to know what the right thing to do is.
"Hey, Hailey."
Going to the same spot seems to get a slightly frayed smile out of Hailey. "Hey Joshua. Good t'see ya. Good day so far?"
He notices the frayed smile but has no idea what to do about it and so is going to just be friendly and act like he didn't. That seems probably like an okay way to react.
"Thoroughly mediocre, which is good enough, really."
He's not even really tracking that he's lying.
Hailey certainly doesn't catch the lie either.
"At least someone's breaking even today. Maybe lunch will cheer me up though."
And the other dropping heavily to the seat next to Hailey. "Hey there, Joshua," she greets with a smile.
Then she blinks for a moment on seeing how frayed the girl is. "Oh no. What happened?"
She takes a slow breath. "Fuck... Sue in English gave me some shit about being a quote 'parentless tranny freak,' unquote," she explains in a low hiss, just loud enough for her girlfriends and new friend to hear. "She was quiet about it, didn't seem to think anyone else would have her back, but the bitch grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to face her when I ignored her."
She scowls. "Don't know how she found out. Managed not to punch her, though."
Oh, Hailey's trans too. Well, the question is now just- are she and her friends the kind of people that think nonbinary people are valid, or are they not? Being good to Hailey is not proof they will be good to him, necessarily. He'd guess they would be but he kind of did just meet them this week. He does not yet know, and so will keep his secret for a little while longer.
"Well, it sounds like she's a seriously shitty person. Sorry you had to deal with that."
"Ugh, why's it so hard for some people to just accept differences?"
Maya squeezes Hailey's other hand, and strokes Sable's back gently. "Not everyone is you, love."
"Also some people just suck," Hailey snarks. Then she turns to Joshua. "If there's another infodump saved up in that brain o' yours, I could really use a distraction from thoughts of that bitch."
"You know, I do, actually!"
And he can launch into some of the background of the Second Punic War! The state of Rome and Carthage. How Rome really wasn't thought of as civilized, exactly, by the older civilizations of the southern and eastern Mediterranean. And then more and more and more stuff, building the background, setting the scene, introducing all the people involved.
This manages to evince consistent smiles from Hailey throughout the meal, though she still gets subtly twitchy whenever anyone gets too close to their table. She asks a few intelligent questions here and there, and listens intently.
And Joshua might catch Sable giving him a grateful smile or two for taking Hailey's mind off things.
He does his very best to take Hailey's mind off things. Here, have some information about how Hannibal was Absurdly Invincible On The Battlefield How The Heck Did He Keep Doing That. And then some information about the Fabian strategy! Pioneered by Quintus Fabius Maximus Verrucosus, he of uncommon sense and a very cool name. If you can't beat the guy on the battlefield stop trying and use attrition! The Roman public haaated that and proceeded to, after Fabius' dictatorship ended, immediately vote in two new consuls who ran headfirst into Cannae and lost a noticeable fraction of the entire Roman population in one battle. They, ah, went back to using the Fabian Strategy after that.
Hailey cackles at the Fabian strategy and how the Roman public fucked around and found out. She approves of Fabian.
He was wise! Also his name was so cool.
And then he moves on to the rest of the war! The bit in Spain! The conclusion in North Africa! The greater detail that has been forgotten in the ten years since the history of Rome was the author's special interest!
He is getting a good grade in infodump, a thing both reasonable to want and possible to achieve!
He is getting such a good grade in Infodump, and all three girls are very visibly pleased with him. Lunch passes quite pleasantly. Sable even wonders aloud who will have the next infodump for the group. She's grinning while she says this, so this addition of infodumps seems to be quite appreciated.
Hailey offers to brush up on the group's choice of either historic serial killers, or Genghis Khan.
He votes so hard for Genghis Khan that he temporarily forgets to be visibly radiating a sense that it is Allowed to want something else. There is a correct answer and it is GENGHIS KHAN, do they know about Subotai, do they know- waaait no he will not infodump that would be Infodump Theft. Also it's near the end of lunch.
Maya also votes for Genghis Khan. The scale of the battles involved is much more to her taste than a story about serial killers, though she also notes that Hailey continues to be so adorably herself.
No, Maya's right on this one, Hailey's adorable, as are her interests. Sable abstains from the vote, saying she'd enjoy either just as much.
He agrees that Hailey is adorable but will not visibly broadcast this sense because What If It Would Be Unpleasant For Hailey.
"Ugh, I hate y'all," she huffs as she rests her head on Sable's shoulder. There's a little frozen hitch in the motion at the moment of contact, and then she nestles in.
They're really, really cute. He feels warmer, like the world is a better place, just from being near them.
What little remains of lunch passes cheerfully, and then everyone stands to clean up and depart.
"That was fun."
And off he goes. The rest of his day is mostly decent. But he gets into an argument with someone on the internet late in the day and then finds he can't sleep. He reads instead, and then tries to sleep starting at three in the morning. He finally manages it at six, and then his alarm wakes him two hours later.
He turns off his alarm and tries to get back to sleep. He can miss one day of school- it's not the worst thing in the universe, he's been doing well enough.
After lunchtime comes and goes with no sign of Joshua, he gets a text from Sable.
Hey, missed you at lunch today. Hope you're doing okay <3
Is too early in their friendship to send hearts? Is she allowed—
No that's just overthinking, she's a cute girl, she's allowed to send people she cares about hearts. Even boys are allowed to send people hearts, there are no rules. Anxiety is cordially invited to fuck off.
Sent.
When he wakes up he feels a bit like shit. He was doing so well at showing up. It's hard to feel good things, right now. Depression sucks. He knows it's just depression, though. He'll feel better eventually. It feels like he'll never be happy, like he's never been happy, but that's not true. He just needs to remember that.
He doesn't notice the message on his phone for a few hours, he's not in the habit of checking it. He does look at it eventually, though, and- it helps. It helps a lot.
Okay enough. Couldn't sleep until real late last night and figured I wouldn't manage to learn anything if I showed up on two hours of sleep, so I just turned off my alarm and went back to sleep.
Ah. Okay, she gets that. She fills her girlfriends in, because this is not a group chat, and then replies.
Oh, okay. That's a relief. Very understandable.
Then after another few moments, another message.
Hey, what d'you think about science museums? We're going to see one tomorrow. You could come along, if science museums are your thing. We'd be glad to have you.
