"I was hoping getting a boyfriend would fix me but it really didn't, I-- spent a lot of time while we were making out thinking about the possibility that you had tentacles or an ovipositor."

"…that's adorable but I'm sort of curious what you were planning on doing when I took my clothes off and it turned out I had neither of those." 

"Anybody could secretly be a Skrull."

He has to bite down on his lip to stop himself from laughing. "You're adorable." 

"Thanks. --Back before I almost died that was my plan, I was going to marry a woman and every time we had sex I was going to think really hard about the possibility that she was a male-identified Skrull."

— and apparently they are no longer in the realm of cute and are instead in the realm of distressing. "I'm so sorry." 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"You don't need to be. I just — wish you'd been safe, before." 

"Before I almost died I just. Wanted to be someone my parents would be proud of? And then when I almost died I realized that doing that involves giving up everything else valuable about my life. So."

…Lev needs to be hugged more. 

"I'm sorry, I really did think getting a boyfriend would fix me."

"Don't be sorry. I turned out to have spinnerets, and you're safe and okay and you don't need to be fixed." 

"I just-- feel like it's unfair to you maybe? To be with someone who wouldn't really be attracted to you if you weren't Spiderman? --I mean, I'd still love you, I'd loved you for a long time. I just."

"I guess I could think of it that way. But — I'm lucky enough to be dating someone who loves that I'm Spiderman. I could have realized a month in that you thought I was a menace and instead I found out you loved me twice over." 

"And I saved your life!"

"And you saved my life!" 

"I can't believe it turned out that two of the three people I have the hugest crushes on in the world are the same person. --I assume you are not also secretly Deadpool, because I've seen you naked and basically none of you is bacon."

"I am not also secretly Deadpool, that would be logistically complicated. We are friends, though." 

"I love you so much and you're perfect and I wouldn't change anything about you but the part of me that has read enormous amounts of Spiderman RPF is mildly disappointed that you don't have a spider dick."

"How would that even — I mean, the spinners don't really make any biological sense either, but a spider dick makes even less sense. Also I don't actually know how spider dicks work, I don't read very much of my own RPF." 

"Spiders produce sperm from a genital opening in their abdomens and then it's taken up into and stored in their palpal bulbs, which are inserted into the female spider during sex. They usually put your palpal bulbs on your fingers. There's a lot of fan disagreement about whether you masturbate ahead of time and collect the sperm that way, or whether Spidey sex scenes should have you using your dick and then collecting the sperm and fingerfucking your partner until you come again. The former is more biologically similar to spiders but the latter is hotter. Also, palpal bulbs don't have nerves but literally no one ever pays any attention to that in porn."

"…I was going to suggest RP-ing that but I'm not actually sure I can do it with a straight face. We could give it a shot sometime?" 

"You are the best boyfriend ever."

"I love you too." 

Asher wanders out into the kitchen. 

"Am I less terrifying now?"