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Jan 22, 2019 12:41 PM
Billionaire Lev makes new and exciting bad decisions.
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He shrinks in Lev's arms. "I — you said you wanted me to be happy — I tried my best — I'm sorry —" 

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"I want you to be happy so when you're sad you should tell me so I can fix it-- I don't want you to pretend to be happy when you're miserable, that's horrible, I love you--"

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(frozen locked out dying alone) 

He doesn't realize he's crying until he hears himself sob, and at that point it's too late to stop. 

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"I'm here," he says, "I'm not going to leave, I'm not ever going to leave, I love you."

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(useless worthless less than worthless FAILURE —) 

"I love you, I'm sorry, I love you," and he knows he's clinging and he can't stop. 

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"You don't have anything to be sorry for. You've never had anything to be sorry for."

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"I'm —" sob — "useless, worthless, less than worthless —" sob — "a disgrace, a failure —" 

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"No, you're perfect and you make me so happy and I can't think of a single thing I'd want to change about you and-- and when your contract was up I was going to offer you a lifetime contract if you wanted."

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That just makes him cry harder. 

"I couldn't even buy you stamps correctly — all I'm good for is sucking cock and sometimes I'm not even good enough for that —" 

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"...Sasha, I'm a sadist."

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"Then hit me —" and then he realizes what he'd said — "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm —" 

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Lev nudges Sasha's face up, looks at him very closely, and slaps him.

"You're mine," he says, "it's not your job to decide whether you're doing a good job, it's my job, and I think you're perfect."

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He nods. He's still crying. "Yes, Lev." Nods again. "I'm s— thank you, Lev." 

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"...You would never have gotten the stamps right, because the point wasn't to get stamps, the point was to make you frustrated because I get off on making you frustrated, and you did that beautifully."

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"I," he clings to Lev, "I thought maybe it was a punishment for something, but I couldn't figure out what —" 

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"I'm so sorry," he says, "I fucked up, I, I thought you knew--"

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"And, and the thing with the clothes, and finding you a girl — those weren't punishments? either?" 

He knows he shouldn't be seeking reassurance like this, it's needy, he's supposed to be satisfied with what he's given, but he can't not. 

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"I've never punished you and I promise you if I ever do I will tell you what you did wrong first."

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He nods and buries his face in Lev's shoulder and holds on. 

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"Honestly, you should probably be the one who punishes me, I'm the one who fucked up here."

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That sounds wrong but he can't articulate how and he shouldn't argue with Lev anyway unless it's about books or languages which this isn't. He nuzzles Lev's shoulder. 

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"If something is making you unhappy, I want you to tell me and I will do my best to fix it. If you think something might make you happy, tell me. Don't pretend to be happy when you're miserable. If you think you're useless or worthless or a failure, you should tell me so I can tell you that you are wrong. You can say 'safeword' and I'll stop and I won't ask any questions about why and I won't be mad at you or ignore you or punish you. Can you say back to me your understanding of those orders?"

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"To tell you if I'm unhappy, or if I think something would make me happier, and not try to hide it. To tell you if I think I'm useless or worthless or a failure or anything along that vein. That if something is making me miserable I can say 'safeword' and end it and won't be punished for it." Which is one of the most soft-world things he's ever heard, but — maybe the soft-world people are right on this one. 

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"Okay. Those are your most important orders, they trump everything else I tell you to do." Lev kisses him. "I love you."

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He nods again. "I love you." 

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