"...Thank you? I just look like this? Why do you look like me?"

"No idea! But I've seen stranger. Welcome to Milliways, bizarre alternate universe twin. Is your name also Leo? Because that could get confusing."

"Aleko. Can we not do the thing where we conflate 'twin' with 'similar', I have an actual twin."

"Huh. How's that work out for you?"

"Pretty good. What is this place? It's in her library, I wanna show it to her."

"This place is called Milliways, as I mentioned. It inserts itself into doors as it pleases. You're not likely to be able to show it to her unless she's within shouting distance; if you go through the door it vanishes. You can get a drink, though, the bar does good drinks. First one's free."

"I doubt you'd like my usual order, but I suppose you could try just absinthe without the beetles if there's any lingering suspicion of us being the same person. Or you could call me crazy and just get some fruit juice or something."

"Don't be rude to Bar, she's perfectly much a person," chides Leo. "Drink looks nice, if you can tolerate citrus."

"I like citrus fine. Can't abide cilantro, though."

"No, when I say 'tolerate' I mean 'not die if you consume'. Demonic allergies are nasty. Not terribly fond of cilantro either, though."

"What's 'demonic'?"

"I am not what you'd call a pedigree human. Mom's Ataman, they're these shadowy shapeshifting demon things that catch fire when exposed to fruit. That gives me a taste for beetles, a bit of shadow-magic, and a very severe allergy to citric acid. Oh, and my blood's darker than it should be."

"...Catch fire when exposed to fruit? That sounds like a trait that somebody made up flipping to random pages in different books. And doesn't tell me what a demon is."

"Hey, don't insult my heritage. It's a perfectly legitimate reason to catch fire, fruit's a symbol of the harvest and we're creatures of decay. Demons are... sentient things, usually somewhat human-shaped, that are not human. Usually from another world. Often eat people, though not in our species' case."

"Super reassured on the not eating people thing, I had been so worried before."

"Well, if I left out the last bit you'd have an incomplete explanation. I can just see you trying to make nice with a Kinderstod and getting your eyes bitten out. Though you probably won't meet one, given you're from another world."

"Okay, note to self, don't enter any more weirdly-behaving doors without Kiri along."

"Oh, they wouldn't do it in here. Milliways is neutral territory. Very, very neutral. You start anything here, Security comes along, and Security will be prepared."

"So I'm not going to have this problem. Which is good. I like my eyes."

"You're not. It's just an entertaining thought." He sips at his horrible licorice beetle drink.

"...Why is contemplating my eyes being bitten out entertaining?"

"...That probably sounds bad, doesn't it. Sorry, I've got a particular sense of humor. Death doesn't really faze you so much when your high school has a 30% mortality rate. So I get a bit 'ha ha, what if his eyes were eaten because he thought demons were cuddly' about things."

"Why do people still go to your school?"

"Eh. The Hellmouth convinces people to come to town, they bring their kids, the kids have to go to the school. I don't think the mortality rate's that much better elsewhere, anyway. Teenagers do have a tendency to get eaten."

"Your world sounds like, uh, what's a diplomatic way to say total shit? What's a Hellmouth?"

"Hellmouth: Dormant portal to one of any number of extremely unpleasant hell dimensions. Magically useful, tends to attract the nastier kind of demons. And humans, for food supply. And yes, I'm aware of the shittiness. I like it alright, though. I take care of myself, and it does mean I get to use magic, which is cool. Plus, my best friend's technically included in the shittiness, being a murderous vampire, and I'd hate to have to do without her."

"You must have really different magic than we do. What is a vampire. Do I want to know what a vampire is. What is a hell dimension. Same meta-question."

"Magic is fun, easy, and useful, and anyone who doesn't use it is an idiot, I don't care if human users get nosebleeds and aneurysms. Vampires are soulless monsters who drink people's blood and often have a thing about the apocalypse, and a hell dimension is a very, very unpleasant place full of demons."

"Okay, in my world five people can use magic that's magic enough to notice and it doesn't give them nosebleeds and aneurysms. Unless they get in a fight with the Lalindar prime, I guess. Why is your world so terrible?"

"Really, it's only particularly terrible if you're a human. For me it's pretty fun."

"My world only has humans. And like. Dogs and stuff."

"Seems a bit boring, really. No offense to humans, but I wouldn't want to have to deal with nothing but them all day. Also, five people? Really? Seems a bit anemic."

"There's five magic families and the heads of them have magic and when they die somebody else in the family with the family personality turns up with it," explains Aleko. "Kiri's the prime of the Ardelays, so she does fire and spooky mind stuff."

"Huh. Suzanna'd like her, then, fire and spooky mind stuff are her specialty."

"If this is the same person as your murder friend, Kiri would not like her. Kiri does not approve of murder."

"Aw. Zanna wouldn't really care, but that's a shame."

"It's a shame that my sister doesn't approve of murder?"

"...well, when you put it that way..."

"Ah-huh. Why do you even have a murder friend?"

"Well, she was my friend before she killed people too. Then she got turned into a vampire, and, to be honest, she hadn't really changed that much except that she had a reason to kill people now. Didn't really see a reason to ditch my oldest friend over a couple of humans."

"People get turned into murder friends. I mean, into vampires. That's disturbing."

"Eh. You get used to it."

"Or you get eaten, apparently. Your world sucks. I wonder if I can get Kiri out of the library and in here somehow so she can go, I don't know, Kiri at it. Probably not. She can't read me through a wall and she'd have to burn holes in the house to get out while the door's doing the thing."

"Well, while fire and mind shit would be a decent starter on dealing with my world, you'll forgive me if I don't let in someone whose first action would probably be to kill my best friend."

"Kiri doesn't approve of murder! She would want there to be less murder. Including of your murder friend, if she can have it both ways. Kiri hasn't ever killed anybody. But I don't think I can get her in here in the first place."

"Pretty confident you couldn't get Zanna to promise an alien not to kill anyone. Well, she'd promise, but she'd absolutely refuse to give a shit. And it sounds like your sister wouldn't like that. So I'm not too put out about not getting to meet her."

"She's going to be annoyed when she finds out that this place showed up and didn't let her in."

"Maybe Milliways didn't let her in because she would've wanted to take the fight to the forces of darkness and it disapproves. Or because it wanted to give me a nice quiet drink and a talk with a confusing doppelganger instead of forcing me to handle a pyromaniac alien crusader."

"I'm personally confusing, or the part where we look the same is confusing?"

"The doppelgangerness is confusing. You're fairly vanilla."

"It's especially strange given you're not even a human."

"I mean, most demons do kind of specialize in looking like humans. Makes hunting easier, keeps them from setting you on fire with lemons."

"If I lived someplace where lemon-vulnerable things wanted to attack me I would probably just keep candied lemon rind in my pocket all the time."

"If you wanted to keep the weakness of every obscure demon in your pocket, your pants would weigh more than you did."

"Oh. Too many kinds?"

"Literally millions. Most aren't going to eat you, but there are still thousands and thousands of different kinds that will."

"Ugh."

"Diversity is a beautiful thing."

"You're very gung-ho about this, I guess nothing eats you except fruit and fruit doesn't run very fast."

"Well, back in Uvalranda the Atame have some natural predators, but that would be why Mom left the motherland. And the demons running around California generally prefer purebred human. Apparently shadowblood is kind of gamey."

"California's your country?"

"Eh, close enough. It's a state within the country of America, but America's enormous and conveniently subdivided, so we generally just say what state we're from. Plus I'm pretty sure New England has some folks running around who'd love a filet of Ataman, which is why I can't just say America in that case."

"...Okay. I live in a country called Welce. There are regions but we bounce around between three different houses these days, plus visiting people, so generally I just say Welce."

"Well enough."

"I guess you could say four houses. Kiri has a permanent suite in the palace, she just doesn't own the place."

"Ah, nobility. I think Mom had a claim to the Ataman throne for a while, but she kind of hated the whole dimension, so she fucked off to Earth and married a convenient human for citizenship. The palace is apparently very nice, though."

"Kiri isn't and can't be queen. There's the royalty and then there's the primes and you can't have primes marrying royalty because of marital asset forfeiture rules or something. But you need all five primes to ratify new monarchs and they're the ones with the magic powers and fuckloads of money, so she's not too broken up about that, not that she wanted to marry an available prince in the first place."

"Yeah, I'd imagine being one of exactly five people in the world with magic is a nice consolation prize. I think I'm allowed to be glad on behalf of your world that Zanna isn't the prime your sister is, that would result in hilarious amounts of destruction and tyranny. I mean, probably that goes for any primeness, but- telepathy and fire. Seriously."

"Other options are water and blood, air and soul, earth and flesh, and wood and bone."

"...Air and soul? Okay, I have a new Nightmare Zanna."

"I've never seen a Dochenza do anything scary with the soul stuff. They can tell what element a person is from very far away, is the only application I actually know. The air thing is fun though, Sarelle can do music - her predecessor died trying to fly."

"I have known Suzanna since before we could read. I can personally guarantee that she would find something scary to do with the soul stuff."

"Exactly what primes can do seems to vary. Kiri involuntarily mindreads anybody who gets within about five feet of her unless they are very wrapped up, but we don't think our great aunt could do that."

"Ah. Even moreso, then. She would have something terrifying to do with the soul stuff. If not actually shredding them out of people's bodies, then probably turning them into meat puppets or something."

"That would get her in trouble with the other primes. One time the Serlast and Lalindar primes murdered each other and it was gruesome. Fortunately we found their successors in other countries and they aren't continuing the feud."

"Sounds like Zanna's idea of a good time."

"I am glad your murder friend is not a prime. They probably don't do elements in your country, do they? They don't do them in Soche-Tas or Thiyec or Malinqua, we went there and it was really hard to get a sense of anybody except the primes we were looking for and they were born in Welce."

"No, I don't think we 'do' elements. What does it mean to do elements."

"In Welce there are the five magic families, and you get to be the head of a magic family if you belong to that magic family and you have the appropriate personality. I'm related to the Ardelay family but I couldn't ever be the Ardelay prime no matter what because I have a torz personality - that's the earth one - instead of a sweela personality - that's the fire one. Everybody identifies with one of the elements even if they aren't at all related to any magic families. Also there are blessings." Aleko displays his blessing symbols.

"That's- hilarious. You sort your populace into little boxes. Your society is hilarious. What are blessings?"

"In temples or whatever there's big baskets of coins with symbols on them that mean stuff - mine are flexibility, imagination and contentment - and when you have a baby you get three strangers and the strangers each pick one for the baby and those are the baby's blessings and you get jewelry made of them. It doesn't mean you'll necessarily be the same element as your blessings, I've only got one torz blessing, flexibility's coru and imagination's sweela."

"Huh. And this... actually works? For magical reasons? I mean, I'd guess that you don't build a society on the equivalent of horoscope personality typing."

"It's kind of subtle, but yeah, it works. You can often guess who's going to be prime from it, Kiri was obvious, she has two sweela blessings and 'power'. Patience had power too, power is a big clue if you're related to a prime and then you turn out with the right disposition. Patience is the torz prime," he explains.

"Huh. Personality quiz magic. Something new every day, I guess. Bar, is there some kind of chart I could get of these?"

Bar presents him with a chart listing the blessings with their symbols.

"Interesting. I'd assign myself some, but it seems self-indulgent."

"I mean, it works with paper if you want to do it with paper but you have to draw them randomly and there are supposed to be at least three sets."

Bar produces a bowl of three sets of blessing coins! Isn't she helpful.

"I do not think we are the same person! Did you do that on purpose?"

"...This doesn't involve murder, right? Just floating pencils?"

"Not for the little stuff, anyway. Murder comes in when you want to do the cool shit. Bar, copy of Sulliman's Introductory Majyyk, please?" (His credit card is beside him on the counter so he doesn't have to take it out every time he wants to appearify something.)

"Weather manipulation, calling spirits from the vasty deep, apocalypse rituals, et cetera and so on. Don't worry, you can do cool shit without, I'm just being facetious. You can learn to call flame, challenge your sister's iron grip on the primacy. And there's tons of other stuff too." Leo flips through the book til he comes to an appropriate page. "...Dammit, I forgot, pencil-floating is like third year stuff, you need a developed conduit. Recommends starting with glamers. Got any zits you'd like invisibled?"

"I don't want to challenge my sister's iron grip on the primacy," says Aleko. "I've actually been pretty lucky with zits but my teeth are kind of unfortunate?"

"What's a dentist?" asks Aleko, peering at the chant.

"They do bizarre things to your mouth to make your teeth all straight and shiny." Leo smiles wide, revealing pearly and slightly pointed teeth. "Very convenient, at least once they've stopped doing bizarre things to your mouth. I actually didn't get a dentist, Mom just magicked my teeth straight using the aforementioned bunny-slaying ritual. But Zanna had braces for years- that's where they put this awful metal nightmare device in your mouth to drag your teeth into place over time."

"Eugh. Your world is horrible," says Aleko. "And reciting this and drawing the little symbol will not kill me or turn me into a murder thing or make me allergic to fruit or dissolve my teeth if I mess up or any other horrible anything?"

"Nothing in this book's big enough to do anything more than give you a nosebleed, and that's if you fuck up astonishingly badly. No guarantees about bigger stuff, but if you stick to what's in books and you're really careful about how it says to do it, you're not going to get any major side effects unless you use more power than you have. And the spell's not actually doing anything to your teeth, just sort of putting a mask over them. If someone were to kiss you, they'd feel the same way. Speaking of which, would you like to make out a bit after this for narcissistic reasons?"

Aleko considers this, but then shakes his head. "My sister's gonna read my mind about the whole thing later, it'd be a little too weird and narcissism isn't motivating enough. Okay, I'll try the spell. Can I keep this book?"

"Oh, yeah, Zanna and I plundered Milliways long since. This one's a freebie, but you being ruling nobility and all I imagine you can buy the rest on your own if witchcraft works for you. I'll give you a reading list. One without any human sacrifice, even."

"I didn't bring any money with me into the backyard chapel. And I'm not nobility in my own right, I'm not even sweela."

"You don't have, like, credit? Fine, I'll buy you an abbreviated collection if you come up witchy, but only because you're cute and you look exactly like me."

Leo watches with interest. He likes the idea of spreading witchcraft to alternate dimensions in need. Some kind of charitable fund; just fifty dollars can get the complete set of Sulliman's Arcane for a dimension that's never heard of dentistry!

Aleko does the entire spell. He does not fuck it up. Nothing happens.

Leo helpfully provides a sad trombone noise. "Sorry about that. Looks like you don't have any magic. Want a permanent version of the teeth thing as a consolation prize? No rabbit-murder necessary."

"I mean, if I killed a rabbit it'd be easier, but I can do it with a fresh egg and four cc of fieldmouse blood. Both of which I have in my bag, or which Bar can provide, as she is a very considerate bar and a good friend in times of need."

Leo procures egg and blood, paints tiny intricate designs on the former using the latter and a tiny fine-bristled brush (which he cleans off fastidiously with some water and a napkin). He waits for the blood to dry, then holds it aloft and intones a lengthy Latin chant. After five minutes of uninterrupted chanting, he barks out a mind-bending syllable, the egg implodes into a point of shadow, and the point swoops into Aleko's mouth with a tingling static shock and a few moments of numbness. If and when he opens his mouth, he will find his teeth looking worthy of Reese Witherspoon's second cousin.

"Feel free to tell everybody about the shadow demon in a spontaneous bar who did it by murdering an egg," smirks Leo, apparently unconscious of a trickle of black blood dripping from his right nostril.

"You are oozing blackness from your nose."

"Eating souls?" asks Aleko.

"Meh, I wouldn't actually do it, probably, it has a tendency to drive you crazy. But it sure does bring up your power levels. Knew a girl who went from struggling to lift a pencil to bringing about the apocalypse in three months that way. She ended up getting decapitated by some hero or other. Nasty business. No great loss, though, she was awfully tacky."

"How do you eat a soul? ...Don't demonstrate."

"Typically I believe you set up an elaborate magical circle, preferably on top of a pyramid but any high point will do, and cut the heart out of their chest with an enchanted dagger. Then you consume the heart. The corpse and/or blood can then be devoured by any minions and/or platonic soulmates who would like them."

"...Very efficient."

"Yes, it's an old favorite. And yet the people who've done it have this tendency to get murdered by various do-gooders, funny how that works out. Perhaps it's because powerful and crazy does not mean good at self-preservation."

"Also probably because of the do-gooders' desire to do good and prevent the eating of souls, I bet that's involved."

"That's a thing she can do?"

"Yep. Though it is one of the things that gets you killed by do-gooders. But if anybody can do it without getting herself killed it'll be her. And she doesn't give a damn who she tramples into the dust to do it. That's what I love about her." He sighs, somewhat dreamily.

"Yours is a weird arrangement."

"It is. If she was a man it'd be a bit less complicated, but I'm tragically gay, so- platonic lifemate and premature high priest. Unless she sacrifices me on a dark altar or something, which I wouldn't put past her."

"Would you let her?"

"I just might. As long as it was special. I won't expect her to keep me, but I wouldn't let her just throw me away. That much, I think I have a right to."

"I do not understand anything about you except for the part where you are very good-looking."

"I like that. I may get that put on my business cards."

"Incomprehensible Except For Stunning Good Looks."

"Bar, could I get fifty business cards reading 'Leonardo Salazar Castillo Nieves de la Sangre Christo, Freelance Witch, Incomprehensible Except for Stunning Good Looks' arranged in a heavy gothic font? In red and black, please."

"That is my real name. If you are wondering if it is as ridiculous as it sounds, yes, it is. My mother has a particular aesthetic."

"Huh. My name got slightly more pretentious when Kiri woke up all primey one morning and we started using Ardelay as a last name in her honor but it's still pretty basic."

"You think four last names is pretentious? Pfah. Entry-level. If I listed all my honorific surnames there'd be no room for the amusing quote."

"I don't use both last names," says Aleko. "I don't know how surnames work where you're from but where I'm from you can basically use whatever surname you want as long as you are in fact descended from or married to somebody who uses it. We were using our dad's, but then Kiri was prime and everybody was calling her Ardelay, so we started using Ardelay too."

"Interesting. Mom does a similar thing except she lumped them all into one hyphenated mess and lobbed them at her poor unsuspecting children."

"I guess that saves you the difficulty of choosing between them?"

"Yes, because I tossed them all out and I just use Dad's. Mom doesn't mind, she thinks it's hilarious."

"How'd you pick?"

"Because Dad's name makes sense and has more than one vowel in it. Mom's tend to be, like, K'lxxyzx. Which is an old and honorable demonic name, but tends to cause more confusion than it's worth when you're trying to get a driver's license."

"Ah, makes sense."

"Oh dear. I'll have to change all my business cards."

"Sorry."

"You're sure you don't want to make out? I understand the threat of sisterly embarrassment, having six of them myself, but we are very pretty. And you are adorable."

"Do your sisters read minds? I'm also not gay, I would be motivated entirely by narcissism."

"I think Marigold could've managed, the rest are utter shit at witchcraft. The idea of Marigold seeing my sexscapades, while absolutely chilling, still wouldn't be enough to keep me from having them. But then, I did hate her, so it's not like it would've soured our relationship. Your lack of gay is inconvenient. I'm pretty sure there's a spell to temporarily gay someone, but I'm not familiar with it because I usually go in for the natural kind."

"I mean, I'm not planning to die a virgin, I was just planning on waiting until I was slightly more motivated than 'we look exactly alike'. I think I am potentially open to being temporarily gayed but my Miniature Pocket Kiri is screaming her miniature pocket head off so possibly I shouldn't."

"Oh, is she one of those 'absolute sanctity of the mind' types? It's not like it's her brain. Plus, I was temporarily straightened for Zanna's and my prom night, and I can personally guarantee that there are no side effects apart from some confusion afterwards, i.e. 'wait, why did I like breasts so much?' And inexplicable erections for the next week or so, but... you're a teenager. So."

"Hang on, lemme interrogate Mini Pocket Kiri." Pause. "Mini Pocket Kiri is very nervous about the entire business but does not actually think I shouldn't let you if I feel like letting you."

"Sure, why not."

"The mail carrier, huh. Always fun. As is narcissism. Bar, would you be the wonderful caring bar you are and get us a room? Narcissism seems to be happening."

A key appears. Far be it from me to present any obstacle to your narcissism, gentlemen. Room 219.

Leo takes the key and his card, slips both into his pocket, and raises an eyebrow to Leo. "Shall we?"

"Sure."

"No, the waiting until sufficiently motivated because mindreading sister thing has been very operative and I don't meet tons of girls. Is that going to be a big deal?"

"Ah, undespoiled territory. It is not going to be a problem, no."

"...Is it a perk?"

"A bit. It's fun! I get to induct you into the mysteries et cetera."

"Go on then."

Leo goes to induct Aleko into the mysteries of kissing. They are among Leo's favorite mysteries! He has extensive knowledge of them.

Aleko thinks he likes these mysteries!

Aleko agrees. However, at this juncture he does pause to ask, "Does you not being a human have any ramifications I should know about?"

"Apart from the fact that I'm unnaturally flexible, not until the end. The end includes a... different substance, but it's not harmful to humans. Apart from a strong smell of licorice, which some find personally injurious."

"I do not have a licorice problem. If it was cilantro we'd be in trouble."

Kissing! Torsos! Such wonderful mysteries to explore. Such narcissism.

Delightful, delightful narcissism! In the pursuit of narcissism, the hand exploring the mysteries of Aleko's back decides that it would like to be less restrained in its explorations and ventures somewhat lower on Aleko's back.

Aleko's pretty much on board with figuring out all of the gay there is to gay while he is temporarily in the mood for that, so he's not about to complain.

In that case, Leo's hands are going to stop pretending to be restrained! Leo manually checks the fidelity of Aleko's resemblance to him. It's an important question to answer!

They're pretty suspiciously similar! Aleko is lagging a little behind here because he is still figuring out what impulses he now has installed as opposed to having been contemplating anything anatomically like this on a routine basis for several years, but he can follow along in a vaguely imitative and encouraging fashion.

Sympathetic to Aleko's plight, Leo decides to break off for the removal of Aleko's inconvenient clothing. While this takes place, Aleko can acquaint himself with his impulses, and possibly deal with the inconvenience of Leo's clothing, if he is so inclined.

Clothing: so inconvenient. Aleko is not familiar with the concept of the zipper and does not know how to operate one.

Honestly, Leo's having trouble with... whatever holds Aleko's clothing together too. "Okay, we might be better served removing our own respective clothes."

"That sounds like a plan." Aleko knows how to undo the cunning little catches on his clothes. See, they go like this. And then they go over there, not on Aleko.

Poor margin. It will never know what has taken place. Forever will the margin be ignorant.

Aleko's torso is delicious, and would be nutritious too if Leo were more or differently demonic. Fortunately this is a happier sort of mouth/torso interaction than that. Aleko certainly seems pleased. If ticklish.

Tickles are adorable, if not conducive to Leo's goals. But the gay's good for several hours, he's in no hurry. And thorough exploration involving tickles is enormous fun.

Aleko doesn't seem to object to being tickled, anyway.

That is good too. Everything is good. This was a good plan.

How very delightfully mysterious.

Leo does his best to demystify it! He is slow and thorough, so as to demonstrate most effectively.

Aha. One could choose to describe the results as an epiphany, if one wished. Aleko is so educated. So, just to be clear: like so? Is he doing it right?

Yes. Yes, he is doing it right. "You are- so good at this. You're unfair."

Aleko giggles. He isn't expecting this skill to serve him in particularly good stead after the gay wears off, but it's nice to be appreciated even temporarily.

It's nice to be in a position to appreciate him, too! So nice.

Good. That's the idea.

All nice things must come to an end. A bubblegum-pink licoricey end, in this case. Leo provides adequate warning in the event that Aleko wishes to prepare himself.

Aleko likes licorice just fine.

That's good! Leo's fond of it as well. He'd like to see if he can return the favor.

What, was he expecting protests?

No, but he's glad none are forthcoming.

Does he need more active encouragement, because Aleko can also do that.

He's quite fond of it! Leo is a very receptive person.

Oh good.

After the narcissistic festivities have concluded, Leo is inclined towards cuddling. (Milliways has such nice soft beds.)

Aleko could take or leave cuddling. Leo seems like a taker, so, taking cuddling it is.

"Recreational narcissism's pretty great. It seems like a weird priority for a magic bar though."

"I mean, I've had other interesting experiences here, but Bar's got a weird sense of humor. Or whoever runs the door, her boss I guess. It's not an unusually weird priority, is what I'm saying."

"Why, what else have you had happen here?"

"Mm... I've been here a couple dozen times, they've all been some kind of interesting. I met another of Zanna once, she had pointy ears and some kind of weird blood powers. She turned me into a meat puppet for a bit. It was fun. And this one time I saw a little girl who said she'd tell me how to take over the world if I bought her mashed potatoes. There was the lady with the facial tattoos and the spaceship. The league of tiny men. A dragon tried to punch me in the face. Miscellaneous talking birds."

"Why did a dragon try to punch you in the face?"

"...Linguistic missteps. There was a lot of cultural baggage to it, as far as I could tell, but I only got as far as saying 'but could you say this word in your weird magic language' before he was screaming and punching."

"That's very strange."

"Yep. We were getting along so well, too. But it was certainly interesting."

"I'll give you that."

"Anyway, I like Milliways even given its weird priorities. It's a fun place. Plus Bar gave me and Zanna an absolutely terrifying library, which she's very pleased with."

"What makes a library terrifying?"

"Knowledge is power. And with the right books, that becomes extremely literal. That library contains enough magic that we have to use searching spells just to find the spells we want. That kind of power in Zanna's hands should frighten anyone. It doesn't frighten me, but I think we've established that I don't make sense."

"Yep. Apparently it doesn't frighten Bar either?"

"I don't know that she gets frightened. I'm sure she'd be politely exasperated if we sucked the West Coast into Quor'toth or something, but Zanna's not one for senseless destruction. Sensible destruction, but she's never been one to just want the apocalypse for its own sake."

"...Good?"

"Well, given the fact that she's a vampire that's saying a lot. They're usually quite into the apocalypse. It's kind of a thing for them."

"Why? Who benefits from apocalypses?"

"You know, I'm not quite sure. They just really like it. Seriously, there's usually between three and ten attempted apocalypses per year, whether by vampires or various other demons. A couple years back one of them tried to usher in eternal night, that's at least beneficial to them, but- apocalypses."

"I'm glad I don't live there."

"Well, nobody's succeeded yet."

"It'd make me nervous just to have neighbors who were trying."

"Reasonable. You can stick to your world with its five wizards and horoscope magic."

"I mean, what else would I do, I haven't been offered a shopping list of places, just your scary apocalypse-land and home. Also I can't get Kiri, it would be a problem."

"I offer no criticism. Your world sounds perfectly nice, there's no apocalypses. I'm just inclined to defend my homeland, no matter how objectively shit it may be."

"Fair enough. I mean, my country's got a shit king? But the next in line's all right."

"We don't have kings! Our leaders are fairly shit, though. Not that it really matters to me, considering I'm an independently wealthy demonspawn, but it's probably not much fun for the humans."

"What's wrong with yours?"

"Can't get anything done, not very nice to the poor, slow and belligerent about granting various groups their rights. And just generally unpleasant people, for the most part."

"King doesn't care much about doing his job, just installs people he happens to like doing everything and is a dick to his family. It lets things rattle along okay when he's not looking, though. And he doesn't get to pick primes."

"Well, he'll die eventually. I could lay a curse on him if you'd like to speed it up and have something with a connection to him, would that be worthwhile? You can prop the door open or I could take a vacation to Horoscope Land for a few weeks or months until I next find a door."

"Oh, hey, that didn't even occur to me, you could come to my world, you'd fascinate Kiri. Miniature Pocket Kiri is ambivalent about cursing the king to the point where it's worth asking Actual Kiri. You want to come visit?"

"Eh, Milliways will... probably... stop time back home for me. If not, Mom and Zanna can scry me after a few days and that'll tell them I haven't been eaten or anything. And it's not like my knitting circle's going to miss me. I'd want to take some books for curses and generally witching at your kingdom, though... I'll get them from Bar, that's what the expense fund is for. And I assume room and board won't be a problem given you have three houses and a wing of the palace."

"Oh, yeah, Kiri'll put you in a guest room. We're in the big estate now, lots of room. How do you feel about letting her mind-read you?"

"My thoughts might be a bit cloudy on account of shadowbrain, and, uh, they might be more unpleasant than she's used to because of apocalyptic hellworld, but she's welcome to go for it, I may have mentioned that I'm not one of those 'unimpeachable sanctity of the mind' types."

"Cool, that will make her more inclined to be okay with you bringing in otherworldly magic."

"This is going to be less 'what is this man capable of' and more 'what is this man planning to do in my nice shiny kingdom', right? Because it's not exactly unheard of for me to do unpleasant things with my alien magic, but I'm willing to play nice in your sister's shiny kingdom because I suspect she could turn me into a greasy stain on the floor."

"I think I've mentioned Kiri doesn't approve of murder? She isn't going to, like, squish you in revenge for whatever unpleasantness. If you behave while you're visiting."

"I wasn't saying revenge, It's about- her being okay with me. Her squishing me is just a background possibility."

"...I can't promise she'll like you on, like, a personal level."

"What? No, I just didn't want to get you in any shit. I guarantee your sister will not like me, and I can't promise I won't be kind of delighted by it. She kind of reminds me of Zanna, it'd be funny."

"She will definitely not like reminding you of your murder friend. But no, I'll be fine, me and Kiri are good, she'd be way more upset if I didn't try to bring her any magic."

"In that case... want to go home? Or would you rather wait for the gay to wear off, or something, that sounds potentially awkward."

"I don't mind encountering Kiri while still gay," says Aleko. He reaches for his clothes and starts putting them on.

Leo does the same, after inducing his surroundings to stop containing sticky and licorice-scented substances.

"Yep! You'll have to hold it, but I can come through. You could do the same for a jaunt into Apocalyptic Hellworld if you liked, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say you don't."

Aleko re-opens and holds the door.

Leo trundles his shopping through the door.

"Nice place," he notes.

"Yep. Sooo - if I just close the door and then open it again, library?"

"Yep!"

Leo follows at a more sedate pace, bringing along his shopping and wiping away occasional further trickles of unpleasant magic-related fluids.

"Hello, Kiribel... Lady Ardelay... whatever. I'm told you'll want to make sure that I'm not going to do unpleasant things to your nice shiny kingdom?"

"That would be nice, yes."

Leo steps up cheerfully.

You couldn't call him nice, at least not with a straight face, on any relevant scale. But he knows what's good for him, and what's good for him is not fucking up Kiribel's nice shiny kingdom while she's around to turn him into a scorchmark on her lovely floors. And it's not like there's anything nasty in particular he's made a habit of doing. He just won't turn down an opportunity for something good for him and bad for everybody else if it's on offer. And won't get him incinerated.

"Well, that will - suffice. I'm very curious about your magic, Aleko was right about that."

Leo removes the tissue from his ear. "It's not without its costs, but it's versatile. I'm not all that powerful, but I know... a lot. Mostly courtesy of Milliways. As you can see, I've brought a metric shitload of spell components, mostly the ones that'd be good for, say, public works projects or blessings or things, as opposed to giving your enemies heart attacks and such. Though I do have enough ingredients for something along those lines for one person. I'm told there's such a candidate."

"I'm not positive I'm ready to endorse regicide. I'll want to consult with some people first. Apparently you fixed Aleko's teeth; what can you do that couldn't be accomplished by a properly aimed prime? 'Ko, you could've just asked Ekador, I don't think he'd have minded."

"Could've, didn't, wanted a demo."

"I didn't actually fix his teeth, just put an illusion over him. If you want them fixed you'll want to ask Ecuador, yes. Magic things I can do... range widely. A lot of the larger-scale stuff I couldn't do without human sacrifice, so weather control and such is out, but I could set up to ward a location or construct a building or enchant a talisman to do any number of things. Or do various things to a person, such as make them fast strong pretty no longer need sleep etcetera, but that stuff tends to have side effects."

"Side effects like what?" Kiri has a notebook on her; she is writing things down. "Wards against what, talismans to do what?"

"Wards can do things like prevent people from committing violent acts in a place, though I don't think I can actually do that one, I'd need a sacrifice to get past the species barrier. But fire suppression, general physical shield bubble, lightning rod enchantment, that flavor of thing. Talismans, as I said, can do any number of things. Sword that cuts through anything, shield that can't be cut, dagger of instant death, tongue stud that translates languages, etcetera."

"Does it have to be a tongue stud? The thing you're doing won't work indefinitely?"

"It doesn't have to be, but it helps if it's symbolic. And the pearl only lasts a couple of hours, I'm going to have to do a longer-term enchantment on myself. Oh, yeah, and the side effects on the physical improvement thing, if I recall: strength makes you angry, beauty makes you get sick easier, speed is really painful after a while, and removing the need for sleep summons a horrible rage monster that you have to find and kill before it eviscerates you."

"Are horrible rage monsters unobtrusive or fireproof?"

"Very unobtrusive. Possibly not fireproof. What, you want to try your luck with that one? I think it's in one of the less pleasant books I brought, it usually takes some specialized machinery but I might be able to throw something together with enough moonstone."

"I would like to not need sleep, but not if it might actually kill me. Or anybody else. I can just go around constantly on fire for awhile, including while I sleep, if that would help, but if that won't cut it I will go on sleeping at night."

"Nah, wait, it's- now I remember. It doesn't want to kill you, it wants to kill people you're angry at. So that regicide would probably be on the table. It's impervious to physical harm, not sure how well that extends to preposterous amounts of fire, I'll check the tome and all if you want."

"What would happen if I let it kill the king? I'm not angry at anyone else."

"It'd stick around until you got angry again, then-" Leo makes a demonstrative evisceration gesture. "Schlrk. I think the threshold would get lower and lower the longer you went without sleep, until it just went around slaughtering everyone you got irritated at. It starts out with a pretty high threshold, so you'd have some time to find it, but I don't know how finding the king minus his vital organs instead of just keeled over dead would affect your political situation, and he's definitely above the initial threshold."

"So, probably a no on the unobtrusive rage monster. Pity, sleep is a waste of time. Can you attach a shield bubble to a talisman so it can be carried around?"

"...Theoretically, yes. It would be very much like an invisible unbreakable glass ball. Not... particularly useful, I don't think."

"They don't toggle on and off? I wasn't imagining the ward as a permanent hermitage in the stationary version."

"Oh, no, that's- okay, yeah. I was thinking of the bubble around the talisman for some reason. That'd be weird. No, yeah, I can do that. You'd have to activate it as needed, and it wouldn't run for more than a few minutes on any talisman smaller than a mountain-climbing backpack, but it could work."

"Wouldn't run more than a few minutes at a time or total?"

"That would be very convenient. I can also do temperature directly. Are you sure we have ambient energy of the right kind, given that Aleko couldn't cast a spell?"

"Her directly doing temperature is useful in hot weather," says Aleko. "Or cold, for that matter."

"The energy isn't, like, magic energy, it's just- energy. Talismans are cold when they're sucking in energy, sound gets dampened around them, they look darker than they should, etcetera and so on. They aren't my specialty, so I can't guarantee anything on the instant-charge front, but- it sounds workable. And very convenient."

"I am definitely in the market for practical magical objects that I can power by setting on fire. I might also want to give some of these to my fellow primes, although none of them are normally as - energetic."

"Maybe I could set up a little water wheel in the middle."

"If that would actually work we'd be all set for any of them. They could all spin wheels made of appropriate materials and in Sarelle's case shape."

"It would not work, no. I mean, I've known people who could make it work, but the principle is way above my paygrade. For anything smaller than a house it involves literally microscopic runes. I might be able to make an appropriately sized version if you think of an enormous high-power talisman you want, but not for a pocket shield."

"Does a magic person have to draw the runes?"

"Ekador and Patience could both make potentially extremely small - I don't know about actually microscopic - etchings in their respective materials. I'll write all the other primes and invite them over for magic experimentation, shall I?"

"Oh, let's."

This calls for leaving the library. Kiri leads the way; Aleko hovers at her elbow for reasons that become apparent when she trips going up the stairs and he catches her. She has a nice little office up the hall from the door into the library, and in this nice little office she has letter-writing materials. "What other details should I include in the letters?"

"Include as many as you like. I am useful and we have fascinating ideas of how to use me. Feel free to mention the potential assassination if letters are secure enough. Clumsiness is fixable, by the way, if you find almost cracking your head open on the stairs to be inconvenient. Drawback is decreased endurance, so you wouldn't be able to run with your newfound grace for more than a few dozen feet, but it doesn't look like you do too much of that anyway."

"I do not run as it is. It would not end well. How generalized is the decreased endurance, would I get tired riding a horse for a long time or staying up late or doing cognitive labor?"

"It's all physical. Horseback riding, yes, probably; staying up no, thinking no. You could dance for a while if you kept it slow."

"I may well be interested in that one. As long as it does not also summon a rage monster."

"Rage monster thing is exclusively for sleep. There's things that turn you into a rage monster for intermittent periods in exchange for various treats, but I can't imagine you'd be terribly interested in them. Just this impression I get."

"Yeah, let's avoid mindreading firey Kiri-monster magic."

"Oh, hadn't even considered that. That's hilarious. Doubt the mindreading would be a problem, rage monsters aren't what you'd call brilliant, but the fire? Very, very problematic. Very forward-thinking of you."

"I try."

Leo giggles quietly.

While Kiri writes letters, Aleko says, "When our great-aunt died Kiri woke up because her bed was on fire. This wasn't uncomfortable or anything, just bright."

"That is delightful. Zanna will be immensely jealous of the firepower you have readily available to you."

"I'm glad Zanna doesn't have it," says Kiri dryly.

"As are we all, I'm sure."

"Is there anything else you're hoping to do with your time here besides make me interesting magical objects?"

"Explore local culture? Get lots of books and bring them back to Earth? See if your brother's lack of magical potential is a fluke? Sleep with attractive men? General touristry."

"I can definitely get you books. Although they'll be in local languages. And we can take you wandering around while waiting for answers from the other primes - maybe we'll go to Chialto. I will be fascinated to try one of your spells myself. I cannot advise you in any detail about where to find amenable attractive men, although apparently my brother did the trick with some magical intervention, and I suppose I can guess that Loel will be potentially interested, so there's that. Does your translation work on reading?"

"Nah. I've got a different spell for that bound up in my reading glasses. You can try an introductory spell, and if that still doesn't work I'm going to want to try a suite of analytical spells on one of you to see what's up with that. And Loel's the blood and water guy, right? Sounds fun."

"Loel's the blood and water guy. I may want a set of those reading glasses." Kiri finishes one letter and then gets some sealing wax, the end of which melts as though of its own accord when it's over the envelope. "What do you recommend as an introductory spell?"

"Unfortunately, the glasses are an heirloom and I'm fairly sure they were made by unpleasant means. And I'll need some help to get them working on your languages, somebody who already knows the language has to read a page or so of writing in it. Good introductory spells include hiding a zit or freckle or crooked teeth, or making a rock glow, or setting the tip of a match on fire. Preferences?"

"Does the rock keep glowing?"

"I mean, it can. That's a less introductory spell, though, this one is essentially just 'the rock lights up in recognition of your magic'. That one's about attaching properties to an object."

Kiri grabs a paperweight. It is a rock. It has a stripe. "What do I do?"

"Oh, no, it's- has to be a specific rock." Leo grabs a lump of quartz out of the bag and hands it over.

"Ah." She puts the paperweight down and takes the quartz. "Okay, now what do I do?"

Leo demonstrates with the non-useful paperweight. "You trace this- shape in the air, and you say- hm. Okay, I'm going to take out the pearl for the incantation, because it has to scan and you shouldn't really say it in your native language anyway." He spits the pearl into his hand and, slowly and clearly, recites the incantation.

Kiri writes this down, presumably phonetically. "What will happen if I pronounce something wrong?"

"Nothing, in this case. The spell fizzles. I can tell the difference between fizzling due to mis-incanted spell and fizzling due to no magic, but to you there won't be much difference for this one. Bigger spells, you'd have a problem. Try not to mispronounce spells."

"Right. But this is just a basic check to see if I can do anything, so..." She skims her phonetic transcription, then traces the quartz through the air and reads it aloud.

Kiri investigates the thoughts underlying this concept for a moment, then says, "Yes."

"And you're sure that's not just residue from the illusion on his teeth?"

"Are you contagious?"

"Okay, so if you're contagious, and we might be contagious in turn, I need to know more than I currently do about this kind of magic."

"Sounds like a plan. Uh, when I get a door home you should come in and get the full Terrifying Library from Milliways. You don't have to use all the terror, but it's good to have a library that's terrifying at least in size."

"I am familiar with the concept of full libraries being a good thing. But if your reading glasses are not nonhorrifyingly duplicable I don't see how I'm going to read them without learning your language, and you don't seem to expect to be here long enough to teach it to me even with mindreading speeding things up."

"...Hm. That does present a problem. And half the books aren't in English anyway. Damn the fact that languages aren't inexplicably constant across the multiverse."

"If you're willing to loan out the reading glasses while you're here I can have promising things transcribed, but that still doesn't cover a library's worth of spells."

"Oh, sure, it's pretty high priority. Still irritating that you can't just get the whole thing... I mean, maybe you could ship a few dozen scribes into Milliways and have them transcribe using the ambient translation?"

"If that would work, I can absolutely do it. I am not short on scribes, although most of them aren't within particularly easy fetching distance of this house, so it would involve some door-holding."

"Sure it would. I'd recommend you keep the original copies around for incantations and stuff, I can teach you how to pronounce things in Latin so you don't have to make up new poetry that won't work as well for everything."

"Yes. So, letters to primes, in progress... pronunciation guide... trustworthy scribes on-call... general survey of the capabilities of magic and prioritization thereof... additional deliberate contagion of magical ability to me, Aleko, Jayce, probably other primes too."

"I can layer a ton of illusions on you to speed it up a bit. Any preferences for colors and/or features?"

"I'd rather not alarm the servants. Can they all add up to me looking as I normally do?"

"...I don't think so. Negating illusions with other illusions tends to have weird effects. I can make the illusions unobtrusive, though."

"You could make it look like I'm on fire. That won't alarm anyone."

"I mean, yeah, but that's just one illusion. I'm thinking- patches of different colored skin, altering the lengths of your individual fingernails, maybe some fur under your sleeves or something. Turning your hair a slightly different shade. That sort of thing."

"We could make it look like I painted my nails and add interesting colors and designs under my dress. Add red highlights to my hair, maybe, they'll go with my wardrobe and everything, sweela colors. Aleko, make suggestions."

"Make her hair look an inch longer? Make it look like she has ever looked at makeup with more than vague disdain - eyeliner, maybe, blush, lipstick? Make it look like she's wearing jewelry that she owns but isn't wearing?"

"All very good ideas. And I'll probably do similar things to you, so feel free to come up with something that works for you as well."

Leo begins muttering Latin at Kiri. It's mostly all the same flexible glamer that Aleko used on his teeth, minus the sigil because Leo is Actually A Witch and doesn't need components on a beginner's spell. Kiri gets very slightly different colors of nail polish on each finger (small differences make it less likely that the spell will just glom onto itself and turn into one spell), interesting beaded designs on her dress, highlights in her hair, slightly longer hair, a small amount of makeup.

"I've got my teeth thing, uh - I spend more time worrying about how she looks, really, that is one of the things that is both actually important for social status type reasons and formally delegated to me. Nice beads."