Jun 27, 2019 2:44 AM
in color amentans meet hazel
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Afen is disappointed in the universe. He bounds back and forth across his room explaining why to his wife, his infant granddaughter, the end table, and a reporter flabbergasted by her good luck and cringing silently against the wall in the hopes he won't remember she's there.

"There is no reason to suppose that a species evolving independently of Amentans, with their own evolutionary history and living mammalian species likely related to theirs, would end up looking like us. None. Every explanation every scientist has ventured to the press has been unimaginative and unconvincing retroactive refitting of bad models to baffling data. Aliens shouldn't look like us but with different hair colors. Aliens that are not made out of carbon at all would be unsurprising; aliens with only as much physiological dissimilarity as exists between us and animal species on our planet would be mildly surprising; aliens with opposable thumbs would be truly remarkable. This is not remarkable and biologically enlightening; this is just inconsistent with everything we understand about the universe. It doesn't teach us new things about evolution; it should make us rethink evolution. - don't quote that part, they'll take it out of context."

Reporter nods rapidly.

"All of that said, I've picked up three of the languages and I'm working on building a good machine translator, it's a challenge with as little as they've produced in the way of electronic records. I'm absolutely going there to meet them as soon as the politicians figure out what to do with themselves."

     "Do you have any predictions about that?"

"About politics? Why would I have predictions about politics? They deliberately obscure relevant information, for one thing, and for another it's deathly boring."

     "- I mean, sir, surely you hear from your son about -"

"I have seven children and some of them are very dense indeed but not quite dense enough to try to interest me in politics."

      "I was referring to -"

"I know who you were referring to. If you want a statement from Aitim go bother Aitim."

      "Thank you for your time."

"I did not alter my activities in response to your presence and therefore you can't yet be said to have wasted any of my time though you should go before you do."

...out skitters the reporter.

 

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"They had a sign up saying they killed someone for throwing one. We think - ew - but that's all, ewwww, not an important kind of thing."

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"It was moldy."

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" - yes? It's not dangerous - is it dangerous for you, do you not have - the thing where your body stops you getting sick of minor things?"

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"We have immune systems but we shouldn't have to think about them."

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"Then I think you should stay home instead of coming here and killing people who make you think about immune systems."

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"I'm not blue, I run a store."

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"If the people who ran stores didn't think their kings should do that their kings would stop eventually. They want to be popular."

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"But why are you telling me?"

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"Well, if I tell the people with guns maybe they'll shoot me because you think that telling people things is violence and you just forgot to mention! No one knows the rules!"

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"Telling people things isn't violence. You'll be fine if you don't touch anybody - with anything - without permission and depending on details maybe even if you do."

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"But they didn't say that, they said violence and then started murdering people for tomatoes."

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"The tomato was thrown."

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"Throwing a tomato isn't violence."

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"...I'm not a translator either."

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"If you were really good at it would you be allowed to change your hair color, or not?" 

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"They're talking about it since the reds got to but I don't think it'd be a good idea."

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"People'd do it for dumb reasons."

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"I guess whatever works for you as long as they don't try to make us do it."

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"You guys are just kind of all over the place. You're doing the same thing with gender. Badly."

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"Oh, colored-hair people don't do that? It does make sense if you're Catholic or whatever and have fourteen kids and their mother's always pregnant or nursing. People who have less kids don't do it as much."

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The purple sighs.

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"But I agree that we should stop doing it at all. Not impose more categories to do it by, which would be stupid and terrible."

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"I don't know why you're telling me this."

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"Practice with the language!"

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