"Ah, that's the thing with doorstops that get up and walk around," says Timer. "Mmm, not time to leave just yet - even now you're here. Five minutes. Time to get dressed, though. You can't wish up a door?"

"It's probably above my pay grade," he says. "But I guess I could try it, if we run out of other options."

"Getting dressed is boring," announces Eights. "Hey you, Joker, got a spare hug for me?"

"Aww," says Nathan. "Hey, babe, I've wondered - how did I die? Kind of hard to sneak up on a vampire with, you know, death, they can burn or starve if I remember right and neither thing's instant."

"Batsy got her hands on some hexes," he says. "Thought you were gonna eat her, so she wished you to death."

"I wasn't gonna eat her," says Timer scornfully. "...I was gonna yell at her, though, I hated her guts. All a bit far away now."

"I know you weren't, sweetie."

Timer finishes buttoning up his shirt. It is not time to leave yet, so he sits down on Eights's bed. "If I come back to Aurum or Sixty or whatever with you I do not imagine Vampire Nathan is going to like me much," he points out. "Similar reason."

"Babe," says Timer, "does anything about how mate bonds work make sense? As far as Nathan's concerned - you can call me Timer, your sort of name is pretty popular around here - I'm not just competition, I'm competition who 'cheated on you'." He makes air quotes, he gestures at Eights.

Timer's memories of being alive are not perfect, especially with name collisions. "Alice - are we thinking of the same Alice?"

"Mm, no, the other one. One of me," he explains. "He's a vampire and he's with Goldie's alt Stella but they are nnnot monogamous. Ringing any bells?"

These people's social life is fascinating. Eights could listen to it all day.

"Oh, one of you. Why would one of you follow any of the rules?" snorts Timer. "Stella hasn't turned, has she? Because that'd start screwing with them. Aurum's Bella and monogamy are like this." He twists his first two fingers together.

"Nah, don't think she's planning to." He grins. "It's a one-vampire relationship."

"There you go, then, Nathan probably wouldn't like it if you fucked around - though come to think of it if you did it during the parts of the relationship I remember, it has slipped my mind - but Stella's got no reason to care if Alice does, whether that makes sense for his species or not."

"Haven't done it yet," he shrugs. "But Alice doesn't mind if Stella fucks around, either. Not that she has."

"Mmm, he might think that but I'd take even odds on him getting a surprise if she ever goes for it," shrugs Timer. "I could be wrong, though, maybe you lot are just that - that."

"We really, really are."

"Good for you. My timer throws me in a pretty girl's path now and again, here, and I'm no monk, but I'm not far out enough for my vampire self to be comfy with such things."

"So much for me and my dreams," the Joker says playfully.

"Hm?"

"Sweetie, there's two of you."

(Eights laughs.)

Timer snorts. "Unless there is a sense in which the mate bond is amenable to magic, nothing doing," he says. "I'd play - although I do think the bond was patching something in the sexual orientation department, so I'd rather you presto-changeo first - but Nathan would sooner tear me apart, I'm betting."

"And you, as I recall, are not into that."

He laughs.

"If, unbeknownst to me, I were into that, I think my timer would've had me sticking around at your place long enough to run into Chainsaw or somebody by now," remarks Timer.

"Ooh, who's that?"

"Chainsaw is a torturer," says Eights. "He's very friendly. I'm getting the sense you guys would get along."

"Torturers are exactly what they sound like," adds Timer helpfully.

"Fun," says the Joker. "Fun is what they sound like."

"You'll have to get Eights to introduce you, 'cause I can't. And you'll have to work around the fact that any torturer here is used to their playthings being able to torch," Timer adds as an afterthought.

"'Torch', meaning...?"

"I'd demonstrate, but I don't have anything sharp on me," says Eights.

"Bet you do, though, babe," says Timer, holding a hand out in the Joker's direction.

Laughing, he produces a knife—whether by sleight of hand or magic is anybody's guess—and hands it over.

"You want to do the honors, Eights, or shall I?" Timer inquires.

"Well," says the Joker. "I bounce back pretty fast, too, remember?"

"I do remember, babe, but now you know what it should look like if you wanna fool somebody," shrugs Timer.

"Should I wanna fool him?"

"...How fast do you bounce back, exactly?" inquires Eights. "Because if you're not dead but you're difficult to kill, he is so gonna take that as a challenge."

"Oooooooooh."

"Very fast," says Timer, "when he's not deliberately suppressing the regen. Very, very fast. I dunno what would happen if Chainsaw tried to cut his head off or something, though."

"Well, now I wanna find out," he says brightly.

"I have no idea what happens if you die in Downside, babe, but there's some chance that you and Nathan and the munchkin don't like the answer," Timer says. "I don't know of anybody else hereabouts with magic. Might be a reason."

He waves a hand. "I unkilled you, remember? Goldie's got the coins. If I don't come back, they can fix it. Bell's girlfriend fixed her, and she was atomized."

"Uh, you unkilled one of me. I'm doing okay here, sure, but d'you want to split in two, one of which never gets to see Kerron again?"

"Sweetie," he says, "I love you, but you really don't get it about me and risk, do ya."

"I get it," volunteers Eights.

"I never did fully understand that," concedes Timer, shrugging. "Your life, do what you wanna do with it, split in two or julienne yourself like matchstick fries, as you like."

The Joker giggles and hugs him.

"As fun as that sounds, I think I'd rather catch up with you," he says, giving Nathan a quick kiss on the cheek. "Is it a good time to gimme the grand tour?"

"Scale of days, yep," says Timer, and he kisses Eights goodbye and meanders out through her preposterously large house.

Off they go! Can they be holding hands? The Joker would like to be holding hands.

Timer will hold hands. Anything more than that and maybe some kissing is going to require turning him back into a vampire (although, how would that work, now, with another him already mated to this particular individual?) or a presto-changeo. He'll bring that up later on when it comes up. (Of course it's going to come up.)

"It is good to see you again," remarks Timer, as they get to the transit station, and he consults his eponym and then taps in the necessary data to take them to his neighborhood. "My place is kind of a thimble, but a nice thimble. 'S contingent on how much mourning gets done. It's the kind of place you get when exactly one person is so sad they jump off a cliff and only spend about a minute being sad, except in my case I guess you only spent a minute on it 'cause there's the live one."

"Mhm," he says. "I was veeery sad. But Goldie fixed you right up."

"Mm, babe, I remind you about the aforementioned mate bond patching thing."

"Even for snuggles?" he asks, semi-plaintively.

"Is it a big deal? I didn't think it mattered to you either way," says Timer quizzically.

Timer shrugs. "I can hug you whichever way, but I know where you and me snuggling goes, babe."

Hugs.

Snuggly hugs. Snuggly nuzzly hugs. Snuggly nuzzly ooooh he sees what Timer meant, there.

Now he feels like switching.

"If you want," Timer yawns.

The Joker likes marks.

Timer would find that funny if either of them had spoken instead of narrating, and if he were not falling asleep.

Sleep! Aww, he sleeps now. That is adorable. The Joker is going to sleep with him.

Timer sleeps for an hourlong nap - he was after all in the middle of having a nap when the Joker interrupted - and then awakens.

Aww. Let's see, what was Timer gonna do today? He has a whiteboard he uses as a calendar, because he can't remember all the timings he's checked in his head without vampire mnemonic fidelity. He can see it from his bed. Visiting Fractal, going to the restaurant - he checks them again. They can wait. He stays put with the Joker.

Cuddly cuddly cuddly zzzzzz.

Nathan's kinda stuck. Oh well. He goes back to sleep too, for another hour.

Timer follows suit soon enough and yawns. "Oh, you're up. Hullo. Hungry? I am."

"Yep," he says. "...Hey, I can make you dinner! Can I make you dinner?"

"Sure." Maybe the reason the best time to go to the restaurant is so much later than usual is because he's only going for drinks or something. "I dunno how good the ingredient selection is, but you can fix that for sure."

"Whatcha feel like?" he asks, kissing Timer's cheek. "Or should I surprise you?"

"I'm up for surprises. I'm allergic to gluten, though. Doesn't torch me, just mighty uncomfortable."

"I know I am!" he beams. "I'm glad I got to cook for ya."

"It was definitely a conspicuous omission. Let's see, what else did we never do because I wasn't enough of an organism?" Timer snorts. "Surprising that being dead makes me more of an organism."

"Mmmm, I dunno," he says. "Is there anything you want to do now that you're all blunt and squishy and food-eating? ...Tickle fight?"

"...Have you somehow managed to form the impression that vampires cannot be tickled? Because they can. But of course, so can I."

"Wouldn't be much of a tickle fight," he says brightly, "if you were a vampire. Not unless I boosted up some."

"Mm, there is that. You can probably give me a run for my money. Even post-presto-changeo."

"Even?"

"Well, I dunno all the details of how you do it, but naively I'd expect upper body strength to take a hit?" he shrugs. "Make it a little harder to pin me down and inflict wiggly fingers? C'mon. Prove me wrong." And he gets up and saunters to near his bed, arms out, inviting tickle-attack.

"Love you too, babe," laughs Nathan, catching his breath over the course of snuggles.

"Ah, I am glad to see you, babe," sighs Timer.

"I am glad to see you too," she says, nuzzling his shoulder.

"All right, babe," says Timer, and he returns the kiss and loops the bandolier onto his person.

Timer times his visit to Fractal, up the street (and every intervening turn), and he and his friend watch selections of Fractal's video collection and snark at the characters. Timer vaguely wonders what the Joker's up to.

[Ooh,] says a familiar voice in his head. [Chainsaw is fun.]

[Heh. You wanna tell the class?]

[You would not beliiiieve what this man can do with a pair of pliers. I think I'm in love,] he sighs happily.

[What, again? Live'un would nnnnot be pleased,] laughs Timer.

[Live'un is just gonna have to deal. I love him too,] the Joker says fondly, and giggles. [Ooh. I see where Chainsaw got his name.]

[Well, that sounds just ducky, doesn't it,] says Timer affectionately.

[I am glad that you are having fun. And that I am not the liveling of me, who would be frothing at the mouth and pacing by now.]

[Eh. He'd be frothing at the mouth and pacing even if you weren't taunting him. If you were taunting him he would be debating the wisdom of showing up at Eights's house and knocking Chainsaw down. Technical term for hurting somebody till they quit challenging you. Can't exactly have fights to the death around here.]

The Joker giggles.

[I feel for liveling me, you know, he's not inherently jealous, as I demonstrate, but you make him all kinds of crazy, babe.]

[I know,] he sighs. [I love him, I really really do.]

[I know you do. I'd be way sorrier for him if you didn't. I suppose if you wouldn't've, timer would've never put me - us? - Past Nathan in a room with you.]

[I love both of you,] he says, and then giggles. [Aww, Chainsaw's wondering what I'm daydreaming about. Don't think I'll tell him.]

[Thank you, babe.]

He laughs unrepentantly.

Timer's companion is not so curious about where Timer's attention may be; Timer seamlessly goes back to paying attention to the video.

[Watching movies with Fractal. Nothing particularly interesting. How come?]

[No reason,] he says. [I was feeling all cuddly, so I thought of you.]

[Awww. Love you, babe.]

[Love you too, sweetheart.]

[I dunno, do you get nightmares?]

[Nah, and if I did, they'd probably be about something I did, not something that made you snuggly.]

[What would you get nightmares about?] he laughs, distracted from the original question.

[Eh, probably eating those kids right after I turned that were probably mine.]

[Awwwwwwww, honey,] he says sympathetically.

[But in fact I do not get nightmares, so whatcha up to now?]

[Chainsaw's trying to cut me in half,] he says cheerfully. [He's not getting anywhere. You should see the look on his face, it's hilarious.]

[I'll use my imagination. Did you explain to him what's going on?]

[Kinda sorta.]

[Did you just tell him you were alive and hard to kill, babe?]

[Pretty much.]

Timer sighs through the brainphone.

[Whaaaaaaaaat?]

[You are very much yourself and you're exasperating and I love you.]

[Love you too, sweetie pie.]

[You be as careful as it is in you to be.]

[Deal,] he says affectionately. And then giggles, abruptly, like someone just started tickling him.

[Lemme guess, you've been introduced to new friends, possibly serrated?]

[Got it in one!] he whoops.

[It is really stunning how well I remember you.]

[I'm stunningly memorable.]

[It's true!]

[Mmmm. I love you,] he sighs. [Aww, I'm gettin' all cuddly again.]

[I'll keep an eye on my timer and I can be at my place waiting for you when Chainsaw's done with you.]

[Good plan.]

[I have those sometimes.]

[You do. And I love you for it,] he says happily.

[What don't you love me for?] Timer asks rhetorically. [Is there any such thing?]

[Didn't think so. Love-slut. And regular-slut,] he accuses affectionately.

[I am all kindsa slut,] he says happily.

[Are there,] Timer asks innocently, [many kinds?]

[Yep!]

[I bet you can't list them all while Chainsaw's getting increasingly offended by your "daydreaming",] teases Timer.

[That eager to hear me call myself a slut? 'Cause hey, if that's what you're into...]

[Just following the conversational thread, babe.]

[Love you too.]

Timer goes to the restaurant for drinks with Fractal, gets slightly tipsy, timers his way home, and picks up a book.

She answers with a cautious, "Hi?"

"Hi, Eights, what's up? This was a good time to call you, and, perhaps relatedly, do you know where the Joker went?"

"...Technically no," she says. "But I do know Chainsaw set him on fire and I haven't seen him since. Uh. Sorry. He seemed really happy about it, if that's any consolation."

"I bet he was. He's not telepathy-able right now, though, and I'm confused - he either went home without stopping in to say goodbye, or Chainsaw managed to kill him after all."

"Pretty sure it's the second one."

"Well, damn. Now either Bella's going to split him too, or a vampire with a missing mate is going to be looking after my kid."

"Sorry," she repeats.

"Eh. He at least thought he knew what he was getting into. Thanks for telling me."

"Yeah."

Yes.

Wish. (Timer doesn't have a great sense of which coins are for which things, so he goes from a triangle up. Takes a square.)

There is the Joker, without clothing or scars or makeup or hair dye, floating unconscious in the middle of a small featureless white room with a numbered plaque on the outside.

Hugs! "That didn't take long. You could've easily been cooling your heels for centuries, but you only died about an hour ago. What kinda sentence did they slap on you?"

"Who is it, then?"

"Jasmine."

"Ah, I got assigned to her in my time, but I fobbed it off on Eights. You'll probably have fun with her, too, she's a big name. Not as affable as Chainsaw's rumored to be. I believe the conventional wisdom is that she'll be meaner if you're male, though."

"Ooh. Fun."

"Well, you know, for torturer values of 'meaner'. I have no idea what she'll do if you explain you to her all friendly-like." Pause. "Your guide is going to be confused when you don't show. Oh well."

"Watch me care," he snorts. "Mm, let's go snuggle."

"All right. You want some of the coins back? Do you have any left on you?"

"What?" Timer asks.

"I can make myself a mint but I can't make it stick," he says. "Not with a hex, anyway. And everybody keeps tellin' me I shouldn't try a star."

"Huh. Not sticking how?"

"Not sticking if I torch."

"Ah. So you'll wanna accumulate some hexes between each occasion of same, if you wanna be a mint as a general habit."

"Orrrrrrr," he says, "I could experiment."

"...With a star? Any warning you've paid attention to this long has to be all kinds of dire."

"What's it gonna do," he asks, "kill me again?"

"Wreck my place?" suggests Timer. "Torch me? I haven't tried it yet and I'm in no hurry."

"I'd go somewhere else, silly," he says, kissing the end of Timer's nose.

"Oh, well then. You're probably just fine."